


Those Distant Bells

by kingwellsjaha



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, Harry Potter AU, a few characters from the hp universe are going to make an appearance, a hell lot of mental health issues, and there is an oc, just straight up angst and a lot of fucked up things
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-03
Updated: 2016-07-24
Packaged: 2018-07-19 20:06:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 29,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7375603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kingwellsjaha/pseuds/kingwellsjaha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“What did you want to become then?”<br/>Josh sighed and looked up to the blue sky. After all this time he couldn’t remember it anymore. He probably did have ambitions and dreams back then, but the only thing he remembered was that small flat in London, with Sam coming home from work.<br/>“Happy”, he finally said.<br/>“Well, pro tip joining the Death Eaters doesn't really make you happy".<br/>"Thanks, I kind of know that by now".</p><p>Or Josh Washington trying to survive the Second Wizard War, although all he wants to do is take a nap.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Back Again

**Author's Note:**

> I think this story needs a long introduction, so sorry for the next 100 words or so.  
> I really don't know how I ended up here. I mean, I like angst, the hp universe ect. but when it comes to writing, I mostly try to do something a little bit lighter, not happier, but lighter.  
> But this isn't light. It's if you think about it not even funny.  
> This story will contain a lot of heavy stuff, there are death eaters, there's emotional abuse, major character death, a lot of mental health issues and hinted suicide, it's not as gory as the source material though, but I would say still pretty heavy. So every chapter will have specific warning.  
> In general this is about Josh Washington during the First and Second Wizard War. It's very lously inspired by [this](http://chrstianslater.tumblr.com/post/143385747874) but it got out of hand really quickly.  
> Yes, Josh is a Death Eater in this, but no, it's not that easy and Death Eaters in general will not be shown as something positive. (So don't worry this work won't contain glorification of Death Eaters, Voldemort and murder)  
> I'm almost done with the story (writing the eighth chapter), but I've currently lost my energy and every sentence feels the same. So I will probably step back and do editing before finishing it. I think that it will be about 30.000 words long, but it's hard to tell, maybe a little bit less.  
> Yes, the title is the title of Snow Patrol's song 'Those distant bells'. I just couldn't think of a title myself and the song fits the story to a t.  
> I have no beta and my first language is German, so I apologize for weird grammar constructions. I tried my best. I will also take some liberations when it comes to the Harry Potter Universe, because frankly something just weren't answered (for example how does the wizard world treat mentally ill people, does professor binns talk about the first wizard war or not? ect.), I hope it will still sound plausible though.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh returns home after sixteen years in Azkaban. Needless to say, he's a little bit tired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are no specific warning for this chapter. It's also not very long.  
> Ms. Zabini (Blaise Zabini's mother) appears.

To summarize Josh’s experience, because he didn’t want to go into details, Azkaban was shit and no, not ‘the’ shit, just shit.

Not only did Dementors walk or rather float around, making you feel shitty and hollow, they also didn’t allow the prisoners to take potions against something as “”ludicrous”” as mental disorders, which didn’t exist of course, if you asked most witches and wizards, so he had basically lived the last sixteen years with recurring nightmares, voices and psychotic breaks.

Actually he felt that it was almost a surprise that he still lived, but that was kind of also the beauty of Azkaban, you just lost your interest to do anything, dying was one of the things.

Living was the other, but Josh didn’t want to get into that. After sixteen years of suffering, which he probably deserved but whatever, he was just glad that it had ended and that he was now free and at home. Even then Lucius Malfoy had been the one to take him back to his mansion.

He was also glad to learn that the two house elves still existed.   
Mr. Tibbs, or Tibbs had been in the household before Josh had been born and was now a little bit too old to do the duties, but he still managed to clean the kitchen and that was basically all that Josh wanted. Mr Tibbs could’ve also made everything dirty, turning the floors into mud, Josh would’ve kept him anyway.

Mimi had been bought about six months before Voldemort had fallen and eight months before Josh had been sentenced to Azkaban for life. His dad had died two years afterwards. His mother four. She didn’t even know who the two girls in the paintings were that she kept clean, but she was very polite to Josh and made breakfast for him every morning. So Josh liked her too.

Life got also easier after a messenger dropped a package containing a lot of different potions.

As it turned out not only had the potions gotten better over the last sixteen years, but apparently the world outside had decided to treat mental disorders with the right amount of respect.

Josh didn’t try to be bitter about it. He just swallowed the potions.

He could’ve gone on like this, living his life in a too big old broken mansion, ignoring the life outside, the war, the whole Death Eater thing, but sadly after three weeks of peace Ms. Zabini stood in front of his door. She raised her eyebrows at the elves, who were not used to guests, but didn’t comment and drank her tea.

Josh forgot to drink his. Just watched her, scared of what might come out of her mouth.

After they had exchanged pleasantries, she cut right to the chase.

“The Dark Lord has a mission for you”, she said coyly.

Josh could feel his stomach drop. He looked down onto his hands and tried to count slowly to ten.

“It’s an easy one”, she said and then her lips crooked into a beautiful yet slightly intimidating smile, “well at least for some”.

Josh didn’t know how to react. His mind had sadly went into panic mood, but his body still wasn’t used to expressing itself, so it just froze.

“You have to check out the location of a known order member”.

That indeed sounded easy, if one knew how to use their wand. Josh had to admit that the one that they had given him, didn’t fit him right or maybe he wasn’t used to magic anymore.

“Don’t worry you’ll be on your own, but you have to give a report to the Dark Lord and he will know if you lie”.

Josh shrugged his shoulders an attempt to react somewhat normal. He would rather make hundred reports to the Dark Lord then go back to Azkaban.

“When do I have to… like do it?”, he asked.

Ms. Zabini took another sip of tea, watching him casually over her cup.

“This evening”, she stated.

Josh hoped that his face didn’t show any kind of emotion, not that he felt one in particular, but still he didn’t want to give something away, that could be turned against him.

He nodded and started at the spot right above Ms. Zabini’s head to prepare himself emotionally for this task. While he stared at the wall, he realized that he didn’t want to kill anyone. He actually never had wanted to kill anyone, but now he didn’t even want to kill someone a little bit. Maybe they wouldn’t be home, he hoped.

Ms. Zabini coughed slightly. Josh looked from the wall to her realizing that fading out mid conversation, was probably not the way to go. He opened his mouth prepared to wish her a good day, but she spoke first.

“You’re not interested to know, where you will be going?”, she asked and her smile was dangerous. It felt like a trap.

Josh’s heart kept beating faster preparing for the worst.

“Where will I be going?”, he asked.

“Samantha Hopkins’ house”.

The trap snapped. Josh looked at it closed around him. Ms. Zabini was still smiling from the outside of it and Josh watched her with an open mouth. His heart finally realizing a heaviness that it had forgotten years ago.

* * *

 

Josh had not thought about Sam. Not at least since he had gotten into Azkaban or at least he had tried not to think about her, but no one could control one’s dreams. Luckily the dementors had been of some help, because they sucked out every happy memory one had and Sam had mostly just been his happy memories as went for Chris, as went for Ashley and the rest.

Only the darkness had remained and at some point at the very end when everything had felt so dark, that even his saddest memories with them had felt like solace, they had disappeared too.

When he had gotten out, he had been busy trying to understand what Malfoy was talking about and then he had thought about the house and his father and Voldemort.

Somehow he had actually repressed thinking about them, he was almost proud of it.

But now, in front of Sam’s house in a small muggle village repressing was impossible.

So he just stared at the windows, which seemed to be enlightened, but if you moved closer you realized that it was just an easy illusion spell, and asked himself if this fitted Sam.   
It wasn’t at least what she had planned when she had left Hogwarts, but maybe things changed in the course of sixteen years.

From the outside it looked just like a boring house and if Josh had to be honest it felt a little bit too big for small Sam with its two floors.

With a sigh he moved to the door and pointed his wand at it. The door opened with a small klick, which surprised Josh and made him worry more. He really didn’t want to meet her. She was better off with him far away from her.

The floor was dark. Josh counted the shoes at the beginning and came to the conclusion that someone else was living here with her.

Even after sixteen years in Azkaban that stung a little bit. He gripped his wand a little bit harder and looked up.

It made sense, that Sam had a partner. It was something really positive. It meant that she had lived a happy life in the last sixteen years. That she had moved on. He couldn’t be angry about that and he realized as he walked that he wasn’t, he was just angry at himself.

The floor had three doors and a stairway. Josh tried to find the living room first and managed to get it on first try. The shape of the house kind of had given it away from the outside.

Even the living room was dark. Sam had bought a tv. She really had tried to fit in here, Josh thought looking at some unmoving pictures of Sam and her mother.

After everything she probably had never felt safe in the wizard world, Josh thought, and again who could blame her?

His eyes ran over the pictures. It was so dark, that it was hard to see the people on them, if you didn’t know who they were. Josh skipped the one that had a guy next to Sam, that vaguely looked like Chris, at least the man next to her seemed big enough.

His eyes focused onto a portray with a black ribbon. At first he thought that he was mistaken but on closer examination he realized that this was really a picture of Mike Munroe. It was even a muggle one.

That was kind of too much, he thought, moving on was fine and natural, buying a big ass house in the most boring muggle village was her choice, but keeping a mourning picture of fucking Mike Munroe unacceptable. Josh stared at it irritated.

Although he had left Azkaban the paralyzation of the dementors had lived on, but now for a short moment it was lifted and Josh felt it all. Anger, irritation, amusement, pain  and a very very ironic way of self hatred, that he thought had died out.

Some part of him wasn’t really serious, didn’t care, understood the picture, some part was just feeling guilty and the lack of impulse part wanted it gone.

He raised his hand trying to grab the picture, but he realized that it was glued to the wall.

Strangely that didn’t stop him from trying again even harder. Josh didn’t know when it had gotten so serious, but at some point he was so close to the picture that he could lick it, trying with all his might to get it from the wall, although he didn’t even know why.

A person that jumped onto his back from behind stopped the efforts and Josh fell down onto the floor struggling to push the stranger away.

He hit them with his hands, before realizing that he had a wand. In a hurry he mumbled a few words pointing behind him. The first curse hit the floor, the second the person, who let go of him and rolled away.

Josh turned around, looking at the bundle on the floor. They were small and for a split second he thought it was Sam, but then the person looked up.

Strangely enough the boy still was very Sam like, although his hair was dark and curly.

Josh grabbed his wand harder and pointed it at the boy.

“Who are you?”, he asked calmly.

The boy looked up to Josh, blinking and trying to think through the pain.

Josh gave him a moment to recover, then he repeated his words.

“Who are you?”, he asked again, trying to be even more cold.

The boy on the floor sighed. “Amar”, he mumbled.

Josh raised an eyebrow. “Amar what?”, he asked and felt strangely old and evil.

“Hopkins”, the boy said. He had turned his face to the floor.

Josh should’ve known. He should’ve. It was only natural, people sometimes lived their life and got children and yet, yet he was surprised. He looked at the boy who looked like he was maybe thirteen and tried to fathom even more information.

“Amar”, he repeated the boy’s name, “what do you think you’re doing?”

He came closer, looking for the boy’s wand.

The boy’s face suddenly became defiant mirroring his mother perfectly.

“Protecting my dad”, he stated coldly. His eyes moved behind Josh.

Josh stopped confused. He turned slightly to the wall. Mike Munroe’s bitch face looked back. He turned back to the boy, who was staring still at it.

The realization hit Josh like a hammer, but interestingly after some anger, jealousy and outright confusion, he just felt hollow and wanted to sleep for the next hundred years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you have questions, want to yell at me ect. this is [my tumblr](http://wells-jaha.tumblr.com/)  
> if not have a nice day!


	2. Dusty Ghosts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some doors should be better left closed and alone, especially late at night.  
> But who is Josh to listen to this advice?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I rewrote this chapters this week and I had a lot of fun doing so. I can tell you.  
> I would say for warnings, there's a lot of suicidal thoughts going on, but it's more background noise.

Although his whole family had been sorted into Slytherin Josh had never thought to be one, growing up he had always thought that he would end up in Ravenclaw, or to his father’s dismay in Hufflepuff. In the beginning it had been a great source of anxiety. Countless nights he had laid in bed, thinking about his father’s reactions to him being sorted to anything else but Slytherin.

Interestingly at the age of ten, a year before he officially went to Hogwarts Josh accepted his fate and started to prepare himself for the discussions and the disappointment.

When he had gotten under the sorting hat, he was ready for spending a long time under it, but the hat had a different plan.

“Oh a Washington”, it said with an amused voice, “easy. SLYTHERIN”.

Josh had been so confused, that he had forgotten to stand up or move towards his house table and had to be pushed by McGonagall under a lot of laughter from everyone.

Luckily Josh had been so caught up in his confusion that he didn’t even notice. While the other first year Slytherin started to talk, he remained quiet. Somehow Josh had the feeling that they had sorted him into the wrong house.

This feeling continued to follow him through the whole year. Especially because Josh had a hard time making friends in his house, strangely his cheerful character didn’t really go along with most of them. At the end of the year he had managed to make one friend, a skinny white boy with blond hair, who’s mother was a witch, but his father a muggle. His name was Chris and he was a Hufflepuff.

After a mishap in potions, Professor Slughorn had sat Josh in the back, right next to the quiet Hufflepuff hoping that this would calm down Josh.

Jokes were on him, because as it turned out Chris was at least with Josh even more trouble.

His first Slytherin friend Josh made a year later on accident, by sharing his and Chris’ train compartment with a shy red-headed girl named Ashley Prewett.

Josh was surprised when she got sorted into Slytherin, but promised as soon as she sat down next to him, to help her as much as he could.

It was also the year in which Hannah and Beth both started going to Hogwarts.

Both got sorted into different houses. Beth into Gryffindor, which didn’t surprise Josh at all and Hannah into Ravenclaw.

After a few months a friendship group had formed, consisting out of Josh and Chris as the eldest and wisest. A Ravenclaw team formed by Hannah, Emily, who’s father was from an old japanese wizard family and her mother a Bones and Jess, whose grandfather had helped to develop some very important potion. Needless to say Emily and Jess turned out to be the Popular kids of the group. At first Hannah tried mostly to be like them, but failed hard most of the time, which made her quite angry and sad. Josh didn’t understand why. Jess and Emily could be very tiresome and down right scary. Till the end of his school years he could never figure out if they were friends, enemies, rivals or lovers.

Luckily Hannah realized at one point that it was impossible to be like them and turned to the Gryffindors or Beth’s ‘group’. Although Beth wasn’t really one for a group, but more a lone wolf, her words.

Beth’s group consisted out of three people. A big good looking boy named Mike, who’s was the heir to the Munroe family and turned out to be a slight asshole about it, after a few years he was the perfect Jock of course he became part of the Quidditch team, and a very small tiny girl with fearsome green eyes called Sam. Sam was the only one, who’s parents were both muggles.

Sam was kind of confusing, tiny, but full of fire and strength. Smart and resourceful and yet she was brave and quick witted.

The first year of their acquaintance Josh mostly tried to take up the courage to tease her, which turned out to be a hard task.

To his annoyment Sam and Hannah turned out to be the best of friends. He didn’t really understand why. In his eyes this girls had nothing in common, but their friendship seemed as stable as his with Chris. So he started to accept Sam.

A year later the only other Hufflepuff became part of the group. It was a boy named Matthew, although everyone just called him Matt. In the beginning everyone had thought that he like Sam was muggle born, but as it turned out his parents were both wizards, although their families were unknown in Britain.

With Matt the friend group was complete.

* * *

 

Josh wanted to sleep. It was that kind of sleep from which you didn’t wake up. So actually Josh wanted to die. But dying like sleeping, without pain and a lot of thought to it.

Why had this boy appeared and tried to attack him in the most childish way possible? He still remembered taking his wand, not sure what to say. Some part of him just wanted to run out of the house or burn Mike Munroe’s face off the wall, but the other one was cautious.

What if other Death Eaters were watching. They would know about the boy, probably kill him and then go after Josh.

So his mind snapped and he apparated with the boy back into the mansion, of course not before apparating into a corn field a few miles away from the mansion.

He clearly had to get used to apparating again. Another reason to “sleep”.

After he had put Amar into a room, he filed his report to Voldemort. He lied, telling him that the place had been empty and Voldemort believed him, Ms. Zabini had been proven wrong, or maybe Voldemort had not really expected anything.

Afterwards he gave some instructions concerning Amar to the house elves. He was not allowed to go outside except for maybe showering in the morning and peeing three times, no four times a day.

Then he went to his room took the strongest sleeping potion he could find and slept through a day and a half.

When he woke up it was dark outside and everything was awfully quiet.

Josh felt groggy as if he was caught between the dream world and the real one.

His body still seemed to sleep, while his mind was awake. After some turning around in his bed, he stood up and walked downstairs.

In the kitchen he found his breakfast, Mimi had left it there, but he felt nauseous after one bite, probably courtesy of the sleeping potion. He looked outside the kitchen window, but all he could see was part of the yard.

So with nothing to do, he just walked through the mansion, counting all the cracks in the walls, trying to find all the spots where the floor had gone dark. Hoping that this would make his mind sleepy again. Beth and Hannah were sleeping in there portraits. Beth opened an eye when Josh moved past her. She raised an eyebrow curious to where he was going, but he shrugged her off and she closed her eye again.

He went into the house library, walking along the bookshelves searching for something to put him back to sleep or put him out of this strange state he was in. But the titles were hardly readable for him. It felt like the letters were moving while he tried to, so he gave up.

Back to bed, he finally thought, maybe falling asleep could get this strange state away.

He was at the beginning of the second floor, when his body stopped. His room was on the left side, but his eyes moved to the right. The one where the painting of a lake with mermaids. The lake was empty now. The mermaids were probably sleeping. It was fitting Josh felt. That the painting was just as empty, as the corridor felt in which grave shadows fell.

He turned towards it. With every step it felt like he was approaching his numbness. His mind was screaming at him, all so afraid, but as long as the body didn’t follow it wasn’t important.

He walked down the corridor. Only the windows gave a little bit of light, but Josh didn’t need it. He knew this place by hard, knew which floorboards creaked. He had walked down this floor so many times before in another lifetime, when the mermaids had played and you could hear laughter from every room.

His mind was now actively trying to get his body out of this state, which was good, it meant it was working.

The metal doorknob felt cold in his hands. He breathed in, breathed out and opened the door to Hannah’s room.

Somehow he had expected to be hit by a wave, to be swallowed whole, but the room was just lying there dark and empty.

He took a step into it. Let the darkness stay for a moment. Somehow when he closed his eyes it felt like he could smell his sister through the sixteen years of dust.

Carefully he turned on the lamp with a flick of his wand.

The room was just like she had left it. His mother had forbidden the house elves from moving anything or cleaning. She had wanted this graveyard in her home to revisit every night.

Josh looked through the room. Everything seemed to bring back memories that Azkaban had banned. The fact that Hannah had made her bed every day, even in school. That she had never let go of her stuffed animals and dolls. They all sat on her bed, waiting for their playmate to return. Josh still could remember their names, there was Mr. Bunny, a bunny that he and his sister had ripped apart in a fight. Josh could still see the stitches Mr. Tibbs had made, Ms. Snuggles was a teddy bear and Hannah’s oldest companion and Mary, a beautiful porcelain doll, that had been perfectly dressed.

Josh smiled at them, feeling slightly guilty that they had been left alone for such a long time. Before he could cry he turned to her desk, which was also perfectly neat. A few pergament rolls lay around and a small radio. For a moment she appeared on her desk, sitting there and writing her homework, while listening to some muggle channels, but so quietly that his parents couldn’t hear. He imagined Beth sitting on the bed behind him, ranting about homeworks. Her head would turn to him and she would start to smile.

‘Tell me brother, you already had to do that, what are the answers?’

‘I don’t know sis’.

Mr. Bunny would hit his head.

‘Why are you such a big disappointment?’

Josh had to smile at that. He wanted to turn his head and say that he was sorry, that he was so deeply sorry. But Beth wasn’t there. Hannah was not sitting on her desk. Time had not frozen on this place, it had just been forgotten. Wiping his eyes dry, he went closer to the desk.

The first drawer only contained quills and pergament, but when Josh opened the second one, he found a bunch of books all in different colours, probably her diaries and a big black box.

He took the box out first, placed it carefully on the desk and opened it.

It was full of pictures. The pictures Matt had taken after he had gotten this camera for his birthday in Josh’s last year in Hogwarts. Josh suddenly remembered how much he had hated that camera. Matt had basically just taken photos all the damn time.

Now Josh was almost afraid to touch them, as if they could start crumbling under his fingertips. 

The first picture was of Jess and Emily sitting below a tree at the lake. They were clearly discussing something important. Jess was trying to braid Emily’s hair.

Carefully Josh took out a few of the photos and sat down on the bed.

He flipped to the next one, which had Ashley at the very same lake, probably even at the very same time, smiling at the camera. Josh did notice Chris in the background was eating.

The next was Sam and Hannah, with Hannah leaning her head onto Sam’s shoulder. Sam smiled wryly into the camera.

The next photo took Josh aback it was him, standing next to Mike trying to drink a fire whisky bottle in one go. Mike was watching with slight amusement, while Beth was straight out laughing. Josh watched as the younger photo version spit out most of it, fire appearing at his mouth.

The next was Chris and him messing up Ashley’s hair. He watched himself pulling her into a hug afterwards. Suddenly remembering that hugging as a concept existed. That he had liked to hug people.

He turned to the next photo.

He and Sam were lying on the grass. Sam was leaning her head on his stomach. Both of them were unaware of the camera and talked intimately with each other. Josh could see when his photo version had told Sam a joke, because she would start to laugh slightly and bury her head in his shirt. He stared at it hands shaking.

His strange state was now gone and it felt like too much.

As if the air was too dusty and cold, and photos were sharp in his hands.

Everything suddenly seemed too much.

His younger happier self turned brighter and brighter in front of his eyes.

Josh wanted to tell him, wanted to warn him about the things to come and at the same time he wanted to be in the photos next to the lake.

He wanted Sam’s chin digging into his stomach.

The years in Azkaban had made it hard to distinguish and even before it had felt like he never had been truly happy, but know he remembered. Now he remembered it, this very strange concept of happiness. How it felt to laugh, he remembered it. Josh put the photos on his lap and put his hands over his eyes. Breathing in, breathing out.

When he looked back again, he felt a little bit number again.

A little bit farer away from the pictures.

He continued to go through them.

Trying to search for signs. A scary lot of them had Sam and Mike next to each other. Posing on their broomsticks with their quidditch outfits on, on a party trying to make small talk and raising their butter beers to the camera.

Josh looked closer, wondered if he could see it, could see the moment could see the spark.

In his head he thought of Amar and tried to find the boy in this two people.

Finally after he had gone through all two times in a row, he let go.

He put the photos back into the box and the box back into the drawer. His eyes hovered over the diaries for a moment, but he decided to close the drawer instead.

Hannah had protected the diaries with everything. She wouldn’t have wanted him to read it, even after her death. With a sigh he walked out of the room, the light going out behind him.

It still smelled like dust, but he couldn’t find his sister anymore, maybe she had gone when he had opened the door, he hoped it for her.

With his heart a little bit heavier he closed the door behind him.

His eyes turned towards Beth’s door, which was just at the end of the corridor, but somehow Josh realized that he would not be strong enough for that one. So he just nodded at the door and turned back.

He would come for Beth too. He promised himself.

Back at the stairs he moved to the door of his room, when a small shimmer irritated him. He turned towards the guest rooms which were a little bit down the corridor on his side.

It looked like Amar was still awake.

Josh took a good look at his door and then turned to the light.

In his mind he saw the laughing Mike and Sam. He murmured an opening spell at the door. After it clicked he waited another moment, but couldn’t hear a reaction. Maybe the boy was sleeping but had forgotten to turn out his lights, Josh thought. Still he opened the door.

Amar was awake, he was lying in bed his upper body lifted up by a giant cushion, reading through a book which looked like it belonged to the house library.

He looked up, when Josh closed the door behind him, but didn’t seem to be disturbed by Josh’s appearance. For a prisoner he looked relaxed. Josh realized that Mr. Tibbs had given the boy some sleeping clothes, which he had taken. His original clothes a jeans and t-shirt lay on a chair next to the bed. Somehow Josh had imagined him more defiant.

“Is this your special scaring technique?”, the boy asked without looking up, “coming late at night?” He shook his head. “You should’ve put me in the dungeons that would’ve been more impressive to be honest”.

Josh raised his eyebrows. He was just as cocky as his father, Josh thought, a typical Gryffindor.

“I don’t have a dungeon”, Josh said coming closer. It was actually the truth. There was a cellar, but it was mostly used to store wine.

He leaned onto the parapet at the end of the bed.

Even with his curly dark hair and tan skin the boy looked uncannily like his mother. He was maybe just a few inches bigger. He had her eyes or at least partly. They were blueish green yet not so fearsome and he had gotten her freckles that were all over his nose. Although his nose was different, a little bit wider.

Amar looked up, raising his eyebrows.

“Sucks to be you then”.

Josh didn’t know what to counter. It was still strange he guessed, to realize that Sam had a grown son, who was sixteen, although he looked like thirteen. It wasn’t like the frozen moments on the photo, it was moving on. It was the solid proof that time had passed during his stay in Azkaban, which was something else Josh had to get used to. In Azkaban time didn’t really pass it was solid. There was only the present mixing with the past.

Amar sighed. “Dude, what do you want?”

Josh wished the boy would ask something easier.

“The whereabouts of your mother?”, he tried.

Amar’s mouth turned into a wide smile.

“How original”, he commented, “I would like to know that too, if you find it please tell me”.

Josh wondered if the boy was trying to hide his fear, behind sarcasm or if Josh had lost that special something that had made him scary.

Maybe it was just obvious that he was tired and broken.

Josh sighed.

“Very funny”.

The boy shrugged his shoulder. He looked back at the book in his hands and had started to read again.

“I try my best”, he turned a page, “I have to say I’m a little bit disappointed. I get captured by Joshua Washington, the crazy Joshua Washington and all he does is put me into a room and give me food and books”.

Josh had forgotten that nickname. Actually he had been proud of forgetting that, but it had survived.

Had Sam told him this name? Had she talked about him?

“I don’t fulfil death wishes”, Josh said. It was an impressively clear statement from him, especially this late.

The face of the boy suddenly got serious. There was something more than just played indifference, some real emotion that Josh could not read and he gave up trying. Somehow he managed to feel sleepy again.

Josh studied the boy one last time, trying to get every last detail.

Although he was skinny, he looked healthy and good. As if someone had nurtured him and loved him. Josh could stay petty and make fun of Sam for sleeping with Mike of all people, but she was probably an awesome mother, a cool mom.

Somehow he owed her to keep her son alright. Safe from all the shit that was out there.

He should make plans tomorrow, he thought, about what to do with the boy. Maybe there was   a way to get him to France, or to find out where Sam was, so that they could be reunited. 

He had to make a plan. He had to think this through this time, but he also felt so tired.

“You should go to bed soon”, Josh said finally getting out of his trance, talking to people was still weird and uncomfortable. Maybe he would never get used to it. “Good night”, Josh said and went to the door. He gave Amar time to say something back, but the boy stayed quiet.

When he had closed the door behind him and had put a spell on it he sighed.

The darkness outside was strangely refreshing and cold on his eyes.

He watched a spot next to the window and wondered how he had managed to get himself into a mess like this. Yet again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really don't know what to say at the end. like I hope you enjoyed this.  
> If you want to yell go ahead.


	3. The Concept That Is Happiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh's life in Hogwarts had been a happier time to say the least. Or Josh's last year in Hogwarts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay... i really REALLY don't know how this chapter turned out to be so long.  
> I mean I knew that it would be longer than the last two chapters combined... but twice as long?  
> Well, it's probably the only really happy chapter you'll get so, savour it.  
> Also I kind of tested how smutty I can get without being smutty... so be aware.  
> This chapter is a flashback chapter and now that I reread it it might not make a lot of sense, but it will, there will be more flashback chapters.
> 
> The hp characters that appear in this chapter are:  
> Minerva McGonagall  
> James Potter  
> very shortly Sirius Black

Looking back at his life Josh couldn’t remember living without his mental illness. Technically there had been a time, where it hadn’t been an issue, where he had been a “normal” kid, but who cared for that lovely tovey six year old anyway.

Everything had started when he had become eight years old with nightmares that had kept him awake at night and the problems had only grown bigger from that. There had been the voices, although they had manifested much later in his life. Mood swings and fears of being followed.

That was what kept him apart from his classmates, that was what made people laugh at him.

No one really had a word for it. Neither did the wizard world really know how to cure it. As it turned out potions that were connected to handling brain functions were not really well developed (except for love potions). With a few of them it was even uncertain if they really did what they were intended to do.   
He had tried to keep it a secret for a long time. Chris was the first one to find out and then soon the others followed. Everyone knew it, after his fifth year in Hogwarts, where he had gotten such a strong delusion that he had ended up naked in the owl tower in winter, somehow believing that he was invisible. After that time his father allowed him to take potions.

Sadly enough the potions didn’t make it better, they just made him apathetic and tired. It got harder to concentrate in class.

Hannah and Beth tried their best to make him feel better or at least take care of him. Josh felt that they were compensating for his father.

In his last year they even invented a buddy system in which all of his friends followed him throughout the day. It took Josh four days to get behind their scheme.

Half annoyed, half touched that his friends cared that much he tried to find away to avoid them.

Two weeks in and he had found a good system for half of them.

With Hannah he only had to make Mike appear. Jess and Emily cancelled each other out, apparently there was trouble in paradise. With Matt you had to wait till he had blown all his film for the camera, then he usually went to get a new one and Josh could disappear.

Ashley, Beth, Chris and Sam remained hard though.

Ashley mostly knew when Josh tried to annoy her and ignored him then for a few solid moments before talking to him again.

Beth had that crush on a girl in Ravenclaw, which sometimes made her weak, but she sadly still prioritized him over her, which was the sole reason why her love life was non-existing.

Chris was used to him and he was his best friend, so Josh didn’t really try to push him away and Sam, Sam was stubborn as usual and Josh a little too weak. But using his crush against him was a very low blow from his sister. Granted having a crush on your sister’s best friend was also a low blow.

“You know that the muggle world has cures for you”, she said on a monday evening, they both had taken a table very deep into the library. Josh tried to use the time that he had to spend with his friends doing his homework.

He looked up from the book that he had to read and turned to Sam, who was busy scribbling down notes. Her golden hair fell into her face and Josh withstood the impulse of tugging it back behind her ear.

He furrowed his brows slightly. “What do you mean?”, he asked carefully. Except for Chris and his sisters, no one really knew about his problems, most of them probably just looked after him, because they thought that he was depressed.

“We have drugs for mental problems”, Sam said casually, finishing the sentence with a proud smile. Josh’s eyes wandered down her face towards her neck. He dwelled for a short moment there, then he looked up again.

“Great”. It was meant only half sarcastically. He just really didn’t want to get into the topic.

“And if someone has a problem there’s a professional with whom you can talk and who helps you”, she continued. Sadly she was still too focussed on her work to see Josh’s side eye.

“Cool, your muggle world sounds great”, he said casually.

“Oh, it is”, She looked up from her work. They exchanged a glance. Since the killings of muggles had started, Sam had even gotten more defensive about them, which as a daughter of muggles was understandable. Once she had slightly intoxicated proclaimed that she would save them all. They had laughed and asked how she was thinking of saving all muggles in Britain and she had given them a very scary look, one that Josh had never seen on Sam ‘Miss Pacifist’ Hopkins' face, and said quietly. “I’ll have my ways”.

The scary part was that more than overly intoxicated Josh had believed her.

With a sigh Josh put down his book and looked around of course no one was to be seen.

They had done that on purpose, had walked straight passed a chattering group of Hufflepuffs into the far back of the library where the big history books were.

“This is boring”, he proclaimed, changing the topic.

Sam raised her eyebrow, knowing him well enough to know that this was only the beginning of his speech.

“Imagine I could be outside, drinking a butterbeer, surrounded by beautiful chicks” He leaned back, closing his eyes well aware that Sam was currently giving him a heavy side eye.

“I have so much more to give than just sitting in the library and learning how different beatles effect potions”, for further emphasis he pushed the book slightly, which made it fall of the table and onto the floor.

Sam and Josh watched both the place where it had fallen down.

Josh felt too cool to get up and put it back onto the table.

Sam licked her lips.

“We can go outside if that is what you really want to, I believe Emily has a small rest of fire whiskey”.

Josh shook his head.

“You don’t understand, Sam”, he sighed dramatically, “it’s not my body that is stuck here, it’s my mind that is forced by this institution to be stuck in here”.

Sam wore already her best ‘are you done yet?’- face. Josh sighed again even more dramatically.

“Poor you”, she simply commented.

Josh turned his head to her, eyeing her. His eyes again glanced over her, he tried to hide his smile.

“It looks like you don’t take my suffering seriously, Sam”, he said reproachful.

“Well”, Sam trying to escape his eyes looked at her homeworks, “there isn’t much I can do about it”, she stated plainly.

Josh laughed.

“And this is where you’re wrong”.

Sam’s face said ‘Don’t’ but she waited patiently for him to explain his point.

With a smile he leaned closer, trying to be as suggestive as possible.

“Isn’t it obvious?”

Sam crossed her arms and watched his face, that now was only a few centimeter away. Was it only him or had her eyes looked at his lips for a split second? It didn’t matter, something like that shouldn’t distract him. He grinned.

“Let’s play....” Sam raised her eyebrows, “the penis game”.

He pulled back. Sam looked at him slightly confused then she groaned. Josh laughed.

She rolled her eyes. “You’re unbelievable”.

“I’m bored”

Sam groaned again. Josh continued to smile. It was the small evil smile, the smile that said that nothing good was about to happen. Sam froze.

“No”, she exclaimed, “I won’t”.

Josh continued to smile.

“God Josh, we’re only two people”.

Josh’s smile grew wider.

“That makes the challenge only bigger. Really you just have to scream louder”.

Luckily Sam was a self proclaimed pacifist, because she looked like she was ready to punch Josh.

“C’mon Sam, you’re a Gryffindor after all”.

Now she was ready to kill him.

“Yeah, and you’re a Slytherin, where’s your high nose behavior though?”

Josh snorted. “High nose behavior?”, he shook his head, “I don’t need that, my blood is so pure, it can clean the floor, that’s all that the Slytherins need”.

Sam gave him an ugly look. Josh’s smile turned into a big wide grin.

“C’mon Sam… let’s do this”.

“No”, she pressed out.

Josh leaned close again.

“Penis”, he whispered.

Sam opened her mouth to yell, but stopped. She turned her face back to her homework and didn’t react.

Josh leaned even closer. “Penis”, he said just a little bit louder.

Sam bit her teeth together. Her eyes tried to read the sentence that she had written down, but she couldn’t fool Josh.

“Penis”. It was now at conversation level, if anyone happened to walk past them, they would’ve heard them.

Sam still managed to act as if nothing was wrong.

This close Josh could count the small freckles on her nose.

He leaned even closer.

“PENIS”, he yelled.

Sam yelped and turned around. Her eyes threw daggers at him and Josh found himself to be slightly scared and also a tiny bit aroused. He started to giggle, but managed to yell even louder. “PENIS”.

Sam gesticulated with her arms. “Stop”.

Josh continued to laugh.

“Penis, Penis, Penis, Penis, Penis, Peeenis”.

He leaned back in his chair and watched as Sam got more annoyed with every second.

His grin got wider. Maybe today was the day that he finally managed to piss her off for good.

He took a deep breath and started again. “PENIS”, he exclaimed, “PENIS. PENIS PENI-”.

For one moment he thought that he got her. That she would stand up and leave.

Her face was stoic and she seemed ready to fight him, but then she just grabbed his cheeks leaned over and kissed him.

Straight on the mouth he might needed to add.

Josh froze on the spot. His eyes widening. That had probably been the most Slytherin move she had ever made and it worked. Instead of yelling Penis, Josh would’ve said he didn’t even know what a ‘penis’ was in that moment, Josh leaned in closer to deepen the kiss.

It was a chaste kiss. Their noses brushed each other. They kept the pose for a moment, waiting for the other one to do something. Sam’s hands lay soft on his cheeks. Her lips were pressing against him. He wanted to lean closer to press them harder against him, but he felt that he was pushing his luck.

Finally Sam moved away. Her somehow insecure expression turned smug as soon as she saw his face. She started laughing and it felt like the most adorable thing that Josh had heard in a long time, half ashamed and embarrassed, half happy her tactic had worked.

“Ha”, she finally exclaimed, “you didn’t think I would do it, did you?”

He actually had not, half of his brain had already produced a good comeback, but he realized that it was easier to lean in close and kiss her again and she let him.

This kiss was deeper, but also managed to get messy very fast.

Sam yelped when he bit her lip a little bit too enthusiastically, but grinned into the kiss, when he took her face in his hands.

The world had suddenly become very narrow. It consisted of Sam’s lips and how they felt against his. It consisted out of her body trying to lean closer.

For a moment Josh realized that they still sat in the library. Although that realization hit him mostly, because their chairs were too far apart from another, for their bodies to touch fully.

Annoyed he half heartedly broke the kiss, just to move the chair slightly closer. It probably made an awful sound on the floor, but Josh couldn’t hear it, he just pulled Sam closer, feeling her upper body pressing against him. His hand moved down her neck unsure what to do next.

Sam on the other hand seemed to have a plan. Her hand landed innocently on his thigh and Josh breathed in a little bit sharper. At first it was only caressing his thigh staying in the innocent zone. It was so light and sweet, that Josh wasn’t sure if she intended on driving him mad. If she was aware of the bulge just right above her hand.

Unlike other people Josh knew that all the rumors surrounding Sam’s scandalous affairs weren’t true. She had made out with Laura Bell once at a party a year ago, but that had been it.

People just liked to keep their rumors alive, because it was easier to hate on her for being a ‘slut’ than admitting that they didn’t like her because she was muggle-born.

That was the reason it surprised him, when her hand travelled up. It was only a light touch, nothing special, but Josh’s heart stopped for a moment and he gasped into the kiss.

Something wanted to pull her even closer, pull her onto his lab. Let her ride him, but the chairs made it impossible.

Curse the library, he thought before Sam touched him once more, this time a little bit firmer and he really started to curse.

Sam cackled a little bit. Her hand started moving in a more regular pattern.

Her smile grew wider and wider, it felt like a game they were playing and Sam was about to win.

Josh couldn’t let her. His hands moved from her neck towards her breast. It was hard fondling them through the uniform and a sports bra, but Josh had some experience in dry fondling.

Sam’s smile grew even wider as her hand moved upwards above the belt, trying to squeeze her hand under it.

Footsteps finally made them tear apart.

Sam managed to grab her homework and stare at it. Josh couldn’t even think straight. So he just stayed how he was. His eyes focussing on a spot just right above the clock trying not to think too much about anything.

One of the Hufflepuffs appeared, as soon as he saw them his face lit up. Josh tried not to glance at Sam to see how she was reacting to it.

“The librarian wants me to tell you that the it closes in about five minutes and you better leave”.

Josh didn’t know what to make with this new information. Slowly he remembered where he was and who he was.

Sam nodded.

“We’ll be on our way”. The Hufflepuff smiled thankfully. Josh wondered if he could hear the hoarseness in Sam’s voice, or see her red-ish mouth and guess what happened.

For Josh it felt like it was so obviously written on his face. But the boy turned around and walked away. Maybe he was still too young to get it Josh thought.

They both waited till they couldn’t hear his footsteps anymore, then they exchanged a glance.

Sam smiled at him, while Josh finally realized what had happened. That he really had managed to make out with his sister’s best friend, not only kissing solid second base and in Sam’s case third base, after yelling Penis more than ten times, why was his life such a mess?

While Sam was busy packing her stuff, he just watched her. Still impressed that she had gone third base on the first kiss. If he would’ve been Sam, that wouldn’t have happened. How could she have such confidence? What if things would go wrong?

This questions bothered Josh, while Sam cleaned up. It only stopped when she got up, her bag over her shoulder. Something very small and vulnerable inside of him feared that she would leave, but she just took his book that he had dropped on the floor and put it onto a shelf.

Raising her eyebrows she turned to him.

“Let’s go”.

Josh licked his lips and searched for something funny to say, but his mind was frankly blank.

Why did everything always happen at once? Could he not have made out with Sam on monday, she could grab his dick at tuesday and wednesday the Hufflepuff kid would come and disturb them. So that he could find something cool and witty to say on thursday? C’mon universe make it happen.

“Josh?”, oh he had zoomed out. Josh shook his head and realized that Sam was standing closer now, leaning over the desk to look if he was alright.

“Are you alright?”

Josh wasn’t sure anymore. The way Sam acted it felt like the last five minutes, maybe less, had not happened and that made Josh fell into two different panic moods. Either it hadn’t happened and he had just fantasized the whole thing, while Sam was sitting next to him doing her homework. If this was the case he seriously needed some help, this crush had gotten out of hand. OR she was just acting as if nothing happened, to cover up the fact that she was embarrassed about it, because she actually had not wanted to kiss him and he was a very bad kisser and now it would always stand between them and Josh had to take it to his grave, while suffering.

Was Josh panicking? Probably.

“Sammy”, he stuttered.

Sam looked at him as if he was being weird, which was probably true. “Yes, Josh?”.

Josh took a deep breath. “Did the last five minutes… like really happen?”

He looked carefully up to Sam, a little bit impressed by his words, usually he waited two weeks till alcohol made him brave enough to ask.

Josh could see the progression of Sam’s facial expression.

She moved her head slightly back. Her mouth formed a small ‘oh’. Then she opened her mouth trying to say something. Her brows were slightly furrowed as if she was half annoyed, half not sure what to say. It turned into a very half assed eyeroll, because she then suddenly realized that it had been a serious question. She licked her lips.

“Yes”, she said carefully, “it did”.

That still made things only slightly clearer, but Josh didn’t want to ask further. Sam was waiting for him to react to it. Josh took another look at her, at her red lips.

“Okay”, he finally said. The ending of the ‘okay’ had only been a little bit higher than usual.

He got up and packed his things, Sam waited leaning against the desk. He tried not to think about that too much and hoped that her eyes stayed on his upper body and not the lower half.

When he had put on his bag, they started moving. Sam was a little bit quicker than him. Josh starred slightly sullen at her back. They passed the Hufflepuffs who had still not managed to leave. Josh and Sam nodded at the boy who had told them to leave. He was smiling shyly back at them.

Out of the library Josh finally managed to get his words and mind back.

It still was hard to fathom what exactly had happened, but he had decided to like everything repress it, at least a little bit.

“So does Emily really have some fire whiskey left?”, he asked as casual as possible. His tongue didn’t fall over the words this time.

Sam thought about it. “Hm, last time I checked”.

“You think that she would give us some?”

Sam laughed. “Us? Yes You? No”.

“Don’t be rude, Sammy”, though Josh admitted that she was probably right. The last time Emily had given him some of her fire whiskey he had puked on her shoes, much to the amusement of everyone except Emily. Even Josh had laughed at it.

“Do you know where to find her?”, Josh asked. Every sentence gave him a little bit more hope that he could actually act as if nothing had happened. At the same time he could feel how his heart got another crack.

“Nope”, Sam stopped so suddenly that Josh walked right into her. Sam turned around looked up. She was clearly thinking about something and came to a decision. She took his hand, “but I don’t really care”. And with that words she dragged him down another corridor. He was so surprised by her actions that he let her.

Even if he hadn’t been surprised he might’ve, but that was an embarrassing confession for another time. So he stumbled after her wondering what this all adding up too. He got an idea, when she opened the transfiguration classroom, shoved him inside and closed the door behind them.

Unsure what to do Josh pressed against the wall and watched as she turned around, with the strangest look on her face.

Josh swallowed hard. Somehow this was both his nightmare and fantasy at once.

“What are you doing?”, he managed to press out.

Sam dropped the bag next to her and moved closer.

“You wanted me to show my inner Gryffindor”. Her hands rested gently against his stomach.

“Yeah”, he managed to get out, “but I wanted you to use it for it’s one true purpose. Public humiliation”.

Sam raised her eyebrows. “This isn’t?”

That was a low blow. Josh was so busy trying to come up with a good comeback that he missed her slightly parted lips. With a sigh she pulled back looking slightly disappointed.

He had fucked up. But before she could pull back completely. He managed to grab her arms.

“Nononono”, was the best thing he could say. He put Sam’s hands on his chest, stroking them.

Sam came closer again, this time a little bit more wary.

Josh tried to calm his beating heart, while looking into her eyes. Maybe the last part was not good for the first one.

“We’re going to do this”, he stated dumbfoundedly.

Sam nodded leaning in. Her breasts pressed against the back of his hands.

“Yeah”, she said in a dramatic low voice. Somehow he wanted to tell Sam, that if she wanted to make out with him, she had to be calmer. This was probably too much for his heart.

“Yeah”, Josh repeated. He still hadn’t moved an inch closer.

Maybe Sam was nervous too, or Josh was just being an idiot, but she started to laugh slightly and stopped looking up.

“God, you’re the worst”, she whispered. Josh looked down at her. Her hair was again in her face and Josh wanted to pull it away. Sam sighed and looked at his hands and somehow Josh knew that she was scared too. Maybe not as much as him, but definitely a little bit.

She adjusted her hands slightly, but did not pull them out. She was still leaning against him, still waiting.

He let out a small laugh and leaned down. Everything lit up when he kissed her. Everywhere where there bodies touched Josh could feel fireworks as if his body had fallen asleep but it was a good asleep, a very good one.

His right hand got brave enough and let go of her hand to grab her upper neck. He pulled her closer again, higher. His body took control, carefully he turned them around, pressing her against the wall. This way it was easier to lift her up.

He broke the kiss, pressing his head against hers.

“I know”, he whispered into the space between them, his eyes were closed because he wouldn’t have survived seeing her. He breathed out and moved closer, but left a small space between their mouths. Her hands had moved up to his head going through his hair. His heart had probably stopped by now, but Josh managed to lean down and kiss her again.

* * *

 

This ‘Thing’, Josh didn’t have a name for it and Sam wouldn’t specify on her own and he was too chicken to ask her, was certainly an interesting way to spice up his last year in Hogwarts.

Spice up not in the way that it was exciting and sexual, which it was no doubt, but more in the ‘he should’ve learned stuff for the exams which would determine his life after Hogwarts and not  become so dependent to his hormones’. Actually it was the worst time to start such a ‘thing’, but he had also daydreamed about this for maybe three years now, so putting it aside was out of question.

Of course they didn’t tell the others, Josh had no clue what to explain to be honest, it would’ve just been weird and ended with strange hand gestures. Also both Sam and Josh had watched the whole grooming between Emily and Mike and the way the group had reacted to that, after that probably no one wanted to be obvious about his crush. Except Ashley and Chris, but they had entirely different problems of the ‘we are fools who just won’t talk to each other’ variety.

Interestingly the buddy system that his sisters had created, made it easy for them. The others weren’t even suspicious that the two hung out more than usual. Only Hannah once commented annoyed that Sam was now spending more time with Josh than with her.

When Josh asked her why, Sam sighed.

“Don’t ask me why, but her crush on Mike has deepened”.

Josh raised his eyebrows. “She’s aware that Emily and him are still a thing?”

Sam shrugged her shoulders. “Well”, Josh gave her a side look, had he missed something. Mike and Emily seemed just as usual, but maybe his mind was too much by Sam these days, “she doesn’t care anyway”, Sam added and sighed. “And I’m just a tiny bit tired. ” 

She leaned her head casually against his arm. Josh tried to figure out if talking about Hannah was somehow against a very complicated sibling codex, but he wasn’t sure.

“Also what is it about Mike Munroe that makes people attracted to him, he’s just this” she waved her hands, “guy”.

Josh could’ve told Sam what it was about Mike. He was slightly confused why she couldn’t see it. It was clearly obvious for him, but he began to wonder in that moment, why Sam was actually hanging out with a guy like him. He was clearly not as attractive as Mike and if Mike wasn’t the best, what was Sam’s ideal guy? A demi god?

He wondered why Sam was making out with him, but then he realized that Sam didn’t have to find him attractive in anyway to do that, maybe she was just searching someone to make out with and Josh was there.

It took them four weeks to get really sexual, or as adult human beings said it to have sex.

What had stopped them mostly was the location, having sex in the library sounded great in theory and there had been people who had done it in the library or at least said so like Jess, but in practise it was hard to maintain a boner, when you were afraid that someone could chime in every second and getting caught was just not worth it.

In a broom closet was just tiring and mostly they smelled bad. So they did it, like everyone in the school who did not have the luck to be in the same house, at night in the astronomy tower.

In Josh’s mind it wasn’t planned, but he wasn’t really surprised. In some way it was just a logical follow up. Of course it was kind of awkward and finding a position on the wooden floor was a very complicated endeavour. They ended up with Sam on top, which was all in all a smart thing to do, although it was probably hard on her knees, but it didn’t last very long anyway.

Afterwards they sat in silence and watched the stars together.

“Was it your first time?”, Sam asked. Her eyes were glued to the stars, but she seemed curious.

Josh looked at her and wondered what was going on in her mind.

He finally looked back at the stars.

“Yeah”, he said, “yours?”

She nodded. In some way that was a relief at least she couldn’t really comprehend how much he probably had fucked up.

Somehow another thought entered his mind, panicked he turned his face towards her.

“Did you have any protection?”, he didn’t want to sound this alarmed. Sam grinned.

“Went to the hospital wing a week ago”, she explained with a smug expression.

Josh began to wonder if Sam had planned this all along.

Somehow he had the feeling that he could never catch up with her.

Sam started to laugh, which didn’t make Josh happier now he felt like a fool.

She leaned her head on his arm and smiled. Josh had probably not seen something more beautiful.

 

Now technically the arrangement had changed. Josh was certain that he could’ve called the ‘thing’ fuck buddy by now, but that still didn’t seem to be the right term. A fuck buddy, was something cool and casual where you didn’t have any feelings and if Josh was being honest to himself, he had started to catch more feelings since the whole thing had begun. From a small crush, which hadn’t been small at least in Chris’ opinion it had gotten to full blown smitten.

So much that Chris just rolled his eyes now, whenever Josh and Sam interacted. Somehow Josh was almost sure that Chris knew. It was in his way of talking about Sam and how he looked at them, but maybe that was just Josh’s interpretation.

At least they managed to have sex in very interesting places. After their first and second time in the astronomy tower Josh got more confident. They didn’t have sex in the library but they managed to have sex in the prefect’s bathroom, to which Sam had access to, a broom closet, not a good idea, but at least off the checklist and an empty class room.

It was still not fuck buddy cool enough, Josh had tried to lift her up in the bathroom, to eat her out, which had ended with both of them on the floor and Josh with a bleeding nose, since then he stuck to what he knew.

Of course their friends managed to pick up something, although they never made the connection between them. At some point Emily noticed the bite marks on Sam’s neck. Josh had been a little bit too enthusiastic. Of course Sam stayed cool. She pulled her collar over them and replied to Emily’s question if it was a bitemark.

“It’s a rash”, Sam explained.

“Yeah right”, Emily grabbed Sam’s collar trying to pull it down again. Sam tried to stop her, but it didn’t really work. “Oh my god there are more”. Emily smiled. Josh was busy scribbling notes down for his homework, but couldn’t help but smile too. He bit his lips.

You should see her breasts, he thought.

Sam next to him rolled her eyes, pulling her collar up again.

“That’s how a rash works”, she didn’t let go of her argument, although no one was buying into it. Josh had to refrain himself from smiling, because Chris had given him a strange look. Again Josh wondered if Chris knew. If his bro senses had told him, but interestingly he was not the one to ask Josh about a possible datemate. It was Matt. They had been on their way to the great hall. Between talking about his new photocamera and snapping three thousand pictures of a very annoyed group of boys Matt had suddenly asked.

“So, let’s get serious Josh, who are you seeing?”

Mike next Josh laughed slightly, while Josh tried to determine what Matt knew. Hopefully next to nothing. Josh decided to play it as cool as it was possible for him, so he tried to be lukewarm.

“The question is who am I not seeing? Which would be you, for example”.

Matt sighed and checked the film of his camera. Chris next to Mike shook his head. Josh didn’t know what his problem was, this had been one of his better lines.

“Then don’t tell”, Matt said, “by all means, I was just curious”.

It was quiet for a moment, while they walked. Josh didn’t believe that anyone could be interested in his sex life. A part of him wanted to ask, what had given him away, but with that he had given in.

“And I would be happy for you if it were the case”, Matt added. He was too busy staring at his camera to see Josh’s side eye. Somehow Josh got the strange feeling that this was somehow about his mental health and not his sex life.

“It’s probably one of the girls in the fifth grade, they’re easy to impress”, Mike chimed in, because he couldn’t stand the idea of Josh having one good thing going on, especially when it came to girls. Josh shifted his side eye from Matt to Mike, who deserved it way more than sweet Matt, who at least cared about Josh.

“Well, you must know that don’t you, Mike?”, Josh said as coolly as possible.

Mike blushed slightly.

Matt couldn’t help but smile at that burn. He gave Josh a nod of approval 

“Probably, Mike knows how to impress young vulnerable girls, doesn’t he?”

Mike rolled his eyes. “Shut up. I just can’t think of anyone who would touch Josh voluntary”, he turned to Josh with a fake smile, “No offence”.

Josh nodded. “And non taken. I also always wondered how Emily survived being touched by you, but luckily she doesn’t have to endure that anymore, does she?”

Sam had been right, things between Mike and Emily had been very bad and finally had ended after two years. Hannah had her hopes up, but Mike still ignored her, which was a surprisingly nice move, Josh thought, from a guy who always searched someone to show his muscles of to he let Hannah alone.

Mike’s face got very sullen at that. He mumbled something along the line of whatever and walked a little bit quicker. Matt and Josh both laughed at that. Josh turned to Chris, who had been quiet over the whole thing.

Somehow Josh could tell that Chris wasn’t up for some rare Mike-bashing, maybe he was too busy drawing hearts around his and Ashley’s name in his head.

But Chris managed to contribute to the discussion after some time he asked carefully: “Aren’t you like distant cousins or something?”

It took a minute before Josh realized what Chris was talking about, although he didn’t know what the problem was. He looked to Mike and shrugged his shoulders.

“I’m basically cousin with every pure blood. Mike just happens to be a little bit closer than others”. Chris raised his eyebrows but didn’t add anything.

The Munroe family had been the last big family to marry into the Washington family before it had dissolved. Before a blood feud had basically killed most of the main part of the family.

Only Josh’s great grandfather who had settled in egypt in Cairo had survived it. Interestingly he had stayed there and Josh’s grandfather had been the one to come back with his father.

His grandfather had tried to rekindle the relationships with the other pure blood families, which hadn’t worked that well. Somehow most of the main families still ignored them. He had given the quest to his son, Josh’s dad, who also had failed. This was the reason why Josh hadn’t realized that he and Mike actually were related till Hannah had talked about Mike at the dinner table and his father had gasped. When Josh had asked if he knew about it Mike had shrugged his shoulders and said yeah. Somehow his disinterest had made Josh dislike him a little bit more.

Sadly the friendship with Mike had been the one that his father had approved of next to Emily and Jess. At Ashley and Matt he frowned a little bit at and Beth, Hannah and Josh had silently agreed to not tell him that Sam was a muggleborn or Chris half and half. His father would’ve probably cried.

“In our family we’re not that rude to each other”, Chris commented. Josh wasn’t sure what caused him to say that.

“Yeah, your family also didn’t try to kill itself because everyone wanted to be the leader”, Josh shrugged his shoulders, “and I don’t hate Mike. I actually love him”, the last part Josh had yelled so that even Mike could hear it. Mike got slightly defensive and groaned.

“Leave me alone, Josh”.

“How can you treat me like this? I just told you that I love you”.

Matt started to laugh. Mike groaned even louder.

Ashley who came running down the stairs after them, broke the mood. She stopped at Chris grabbing his arm to catch her breath. She looked so worried that every smile disappeared. Even Mike returned.

“Guys”, she yelped and Chris was trying to comfort her. What a gentleman Josh thought.

“Do you have anything important to do?”

The boys looked at each other. “Except for eating? Not really”, Matt answered for all of them.

Ashley’s worried expression made them all anxious.

“Can you come up to the hospital wing?”, she asked.

The boys exchanged a worried glance.

“Of course”, Mike said the hero that he was. He stepped forward showing off how big and muscly he was, “what happened?”

Ashley took another deep breath.

“They attacked Sam”. Her words were a little bit like an explosion. The boys stared at her and then exchanged another glance. Chris looked as worried as Josh felt. 

He was the one to articulate it the best. “Shit”, he said, before following Ashley up the stairs from where they had come. Everyone else followed. Josh felt as if he was in trance. He didn’t even notice the stairs he was getting up again. His mind was just focused on Sam.

In the last years the climate had changed in school gradually. Of course outside it had tense the whole time. A few muggles and muggle born had been killed, but the friend group had believed that the presence of Dumbledore what keep that kind of stuff away from the school, they had been mistaken. The harassment had started slowly, but it had gotten stronger. A group of students primarily Slytherins had started to harass and bully people inside of the school and although Dumbledore had made the punishment even stricter it had not stopped. The last student that they had hurt, had been in the hospital wing for a whole week. His face blue and green, Josh saw Sam with the same green bruises and hurried a little bit more.

He cursed himself for not thinking of this earlier. He had his great supporting system while Sam had been the one who needed it. 

When they entered the wing, they did it of course in the most dramatic way so that everyone noticed. Sam was sitting on a bed, next to her sat Hannah. Beth, Emily and Jess stood there and watched. She was not full of bruises as far as Josh could tell, although her right cheek was slightly red. Everyone’s eyes went to them. Josh wanted to ask if Sam was alright, when he noticed the other four people that stood next to the bed.

Although he was worried and out of breath Josh couldn’t stop from rolling his eyes. It was more out of habit than actual dislike. In some ways James Potter and his small clique were quite entertaining, but still they had the tendency to be pretentious assholes.

Sam looked back from him to Potter and sighed.

“I don’t want to look ungrateful Captain”, she stressed the last word, “but I kind of was alright before you four came out of the shadows to ‘save’ me”.

James Potter smiled at her words. He had his arms crossed, but wand out, which looked only half as casual as he probably hoped to be. He turned around to look at who just had arrived and gave Mike a tiny nod. “I just wanted to make sure that my seeker was fine”.

Sam smiled. “All and well, ready to kick Ravenclaws ass in the next game”.

James laughed at that.

“I didn’t expect anything else”, he said and Josh raised an eyebrow, then why had he asked in the first place? Potter’s face got more serious. , “But seriously Hopkins, if there’re any problems”.

Sam raised her hands. “All is well”, she repeated as nice as she could. Josh smiled at that.

James nodded. He stood there ruffling his own dark hair and then sighed. “Good, then I think we’re good to go”. He turned to Sirius Black, who had a bored expression on his face like always. Josh was happy to know that they would be gone, his attention went back to Sam, who looked now a little bit beaten up if he was honest.

But before Potter’s clique even turned away, someone else entered the hospital wing.

Professor McGonagall's appearance made everyone stop in their tracks.

She looked around. Josh had the feeling that she managed to look everyone in the eye at least once. Her eyes finally focussed on Potter.

“Ah Mr. Potter. Great, that I could find you here. As I heard you got in trouble yet again”.

McGonagall was the only one who could make Potter blush and be shy, except for maybe that other Gryffindor girl with red hair.

“It wasn’t on purpose”, he explained calmly.

“I’m aware”, McGonagall examined Sam. She looked also slightly relieved when she saw that Sam wasn’t badly wounded. Potter started to get his smug smile back on his face. Josh had to say that it looked only slightly forced. McGonagall looked back at him.

“I want you to come to my office this evening”.

Potter’s smile disappeared from his face.

Josh tried not to laugh at that. He said something almost inaudible about how he will be there and made his way out of the hospital wing. McGonagall turned her attention towards them. Her eyes focused on Sam, who as the only true Gryffindor in the room, next to his sister, suck it Mike, who didn’t show any fear.

“Are you alright Miss Hopkins?”

Sam nodded. “They only managed to hit me once, Professor. I think they’re in a worse state than I am”, Sam turned her head behind her. Josh tried to see what she saw, but the curtains for the other beds were closed.

Professor McGonagall had to fight a smile at this. Josh could see how proud she was.

“As I heard you fought them off alone”, she said.

Now Sam was starting to blush now also slightly embarrassed.

“Oh no, Potter and his friends came to my rescue”, she lied.

Professor McGonagall knew as any other person in the room that this had been a lie.

“We talked about your career choices once last year”, McGonagall stated, “I still think you would make a decent auror”. That was probably the best compliment Sam had ever gotten, but it didn’t face her. She nodded.

“Fighting is not really my style”, Sam answered, “at least not like this”, she explained further.

The answer didn’t stop Professor McGonagall from staring at her. “I want you to be in my office tomorrow evening, we have somethings to discuss”.

Sam nodded slightly intimidated.

McGonagall turned around and left the wing, before she walked through the door she turned around and stared at all of them slightly nostalgic. “You’re a very mixed group house wise. I wished I would see that more often”. And then she really smiled at them and managed to make all of them blush. The door closed behind her. Everyone watched the place where she had stood, before they turned towards Sam.

Matt was the first one to walk towards her.

“You’re alright?”, he asked with a smile on his face. His camera was forgotten.

Sam smiled. “I’m fine, seriously you should see the other three”.

Chris turned around. “It were three?”

“And a half, some Slytherin dudes from your grade”, she looked at Josh.

Somehow although he knew nobody and liked nobody from his grade, Josh felt guilty. He smiled an apology knowing that it wasn’t enough. But Sam’s eyes told him that it was okay. She winked slightly at him. Everyone else was so busy looking sad, that they probably didn’t notice.

Josh’s smile grew wider and happier. He averted his gaze.

Sam looked around at the others and sighed. “No seriously guys. I’m fine. Let’s grab something to bite. I’m starving”.

Typical Gryffindor Josh thought, as he watched Sam get up. Hannah gave her her head back, but didn’t let go of her bag, not even afraid while threatened.

* * *

 

No one attacked Sam afterwards, at least it seemed the Slytherin knew who to pick on. This didn’t stop Sam from protecting every younger Muggle born she knew.

She ended up in one more fight, but didn’t even get a scratch from that one. Josh was impressed. The year moved on mostly uneventful. Sam had put a ban on seeing each other, so that Josh could study, which was harsh, but actually a very nice thing to do although Josh still acted as if he hated her for that.

The quidditch game Ravenclaw against Gryffindor came around and Gryffindor won to no one’s surprise. You could say whatever you wanted about Potter, but he knew how to train and lead his team. Of course Sam as a seeker, was very vital and maybe Josh had to admit Mike as a chaser had also something to do with it. It was glorious either way and Josh had screamed his lungs out by the end of the game.  When Sam had catched the snitch everyone, including Emily, Jess and Hannah had yelled. Josh had to admit that there was something intriguingly sexy about Sam flying around in the air and making loopings.

After Sam had catched the snitch, everyone had started to hug, Gryffindor had won and with that they had also won the Quidditch cup. Mike was grinning ear to ear and Sam couldn’t be bothered to leave her broom. She was actually the last one to leave the field, maybe ten minutes after the other’s had already left. Josh watcher her landing and going to the changing room and suddenly saw a chance. Carefully he went down the stairs. Beth, Ashley and Matt were too indepth talking with each other over the game analyzing every aspect to notice his departure.

It took him a while to get to the changing room, he almost feared that Sam was already done and had disappeared with her teammates, but at the door Josh only saw Mike and the beaters going on their way to the party. Josh waited till they were gone, till he went to the door and opened it carefully.

It was mostly quiet inside, confirming Josh’s suspicious that everyone except maybe Sam was gone. He could hear that someone was showering but nothing else.

His first impulse was to go into the girls shower, but he stopped although with everything going on between them Josh didn’t want to creep her out or get a bloody nose. So he waited, looking carefully around. Like he had thought. Everyone except her was gone. He found her cabin with her close and smiled at her sports bra.

When the water stopped he turned around to the shower doors.

For a tiny moment he was afraid that someone else might come out, but just like he thought it was only Sam snuggled into a white towel. She opened her mouth when she saw him, slightly panicked. “Josh”, she exclaimed, although she was slightly confused to see him, she didn’t stop walking. Josh put his finger to his mouth, telling her to be quiet. She looked as if she wanted to yell even more at that, but closed her mouth. They both walked into the cabin. Sam closed the door behind them. She turned around.

“What the hell are you doing here?”, she whispered. He just grinned as an answer, which made her roll her eyes. Somehow Josh could read the silent ‘We had an agreement’. He made a sad face. Sam sighed and stepped closer. Her hair and face was still wet.

“You’re too much sometimes”, she said but kissed him none the less. Josh smiled into the kiss and pulled her closer.

It heated up very quickly, maybe it was connected to the fact that Sam was wearing nothing but a towel or the fact that they hadn’t  _ seen _ each other for two weeks. Josh pulled on Sam’s towel and it got loose. His attention went to her breasts. He moved his mouth over her left nipple and sucked on it. Sam automatically pulled him closer. Her hands went through his hair.

It all could’ve gone perfect from there, but someone decided to knock on the door.

Both froze. “I mean, you’re the star Hopkins”, Josh could hear Potter’s pretentiousness through the door, “but we’re ready to party and you’re still not there”. Sam pushed Josh away to think of something to say. “Sure thing, captain, I’ll hurry up”, she managed to get out.

Her face was slightly turned towards the door. Josh watched her slightly tense expression, he then looked down on her and went on his knees. Before he could even touch her she put her hand on his mouth. “I’ll be there”, she added forcing a smile although Potter could not see her.

Potter still didn’t seem to move. Josh was getting slightly annoyed. Sam had not let go of his mouth. She was waiting for Potter’s next words.

“Hopkins”, Potter finally said with probably the biggest grin on his face, “do tell, is there someone else in the cabin with you?”

As usual Sam looked more annoyed than embarrassed. She exchanged a glance with Josh.

“None of your business”, she finally stated. It was a confirmation.

Potter’s grin had probably gotten even wider. “Anyway, you two should better hurry up or the party’s going to start without you.” Potter seemed very amused by the situation, but Josh could hear him leave.

“See you at the party”, he said.

Sam sighed. “Likewise”.

They waited till they heard the door close then Sam finally let go of his mouth and leaned against the door, happy that Potter had not caught them.

Josh was still kneeling and watched her from his position on the floor. It was a nice view. She sighed and opened her eyes.

“Okay, let’s go”. She was trying to move past him to her clothes.

Josh made again a sad face, but was more serious about it this time.

Sam ignored him and continued to move past him. He tried to stop it by moving to the right. Somehow her knee managed to hit his nose, he stumbled back into bench with the clothes.

“Oh god, sorry”, she kneeled next to Josh who was holding his nose now. She grabbed his hand.

“Can I see?”, she asked carefully. He let go of his nose. Sam looked at it thoroughly. She sighed and leaned further to kiss it.

“Sorry”.

They both got up simultaneously. Josh scratched the back of his head.

“It’s alright”, he mumbled. Sam moved passed him and took her panties.

“If you’re not totally drunk tonight”, she started and put on her bra, “we could continue this”.

Her tone was as suggestive as her eyes. Josh grinned.

“Deal”. Sam put on her shirt. Josh watched her leaning against the door.

“You were really great today”, he said. Sam smiled almost put on her trousers. She turned. “Thanks Josh”.

Of course she thought he was being sarcastic. He stopped closer again. She looked up, while trying to bind her tie. She somehow forgot how it worked as she looked in his eyes.

“No, I’m serious, you were amazing”.

A slightly smug yet shy smile crept on her face. She had to break the eye contact to finish her tie. “Thank you”, she said. He leaned down and kissed her again.

This kiss was sweet and short, Josh could feel her smile against his mouth.

Sam grabbed her gown. “Let’s go”, she said determined.

 

The party had already started, because some other houses had wanted to celebrate too, the party had been taken to the Hufflepuff common room, because it was the easiest to trick and also the closest to the kitchen.

Matt, Hannah and Beth were already yelling at Ashley who had started to participate in some strange drinking game with some Hufflepuffs, Josh hoped that the Hufflepuffs had strong stomachs because Ashley could down a lot. As usual it looked like he and Ashley were the only Slytherins. To not raise suspicions Josh entered before Sam. Chris greeted him with a glass of something clearly alcoholic.

“Where were you?”, he asked or more yelled, “Beth is waiting for you, something about a bet”.

Oh no, Josh remembered. He had been cocky yesterday and had made a bet that Gryffindor would win three times higher than Ravenclaw and although they had won it had been only close to two times. He took Chris’ drink and took a big gulp.

“Yeah, I remember”, he said. Before he could do anything else Sam appeared at the door, everyone turned around and started to yell. One of the beaters went to her and took her on his shoulders, the other gave her a drink. She laughed as they cheered at her. Josh watched it slightly wistful and took another drink.

His focus turned away from Sam to Beth, who had found him by then. She smiled.

“Here you are and I thought you would chicken out”.

Josh tssed at her. “You wish”, he said braver than he felt, “give me a fire whisky bottle”, he demanded.

She bowed theatrically. “You’re wish is my command” and with that she went and tried to find a bottle. Josh’s and Chris’ attention turned back to Sam and the team. They had finally let down Sam and now she was standing next to the beaters, Mike and Hannah.

They were talking about the game, when Potter appeared a drink himself in hand.

“Ah, Hopkins finally”.

Sam put on her slightly annoyed face. She had told him that Potter was actually alright, next year if she was unlucky she had to survive under Mike as the captain.

Of course Potter couldn’t shut his mouth. “I never asked, but who was the one that kept you company in your cabin?”

Everyone exchanged a glance. Hannah looked confused at Sam, who rolled her eyes.

“Still none of your business, Potter”, she said and took a sip from her drink. Potter smiled, happy with the damage he had already created. The beaters looked at each other.

“There was someone in your cabin?”, they asked. Sam took another sip.

“Who was it?”, Hannah asked curiously. Sam smiled at her. Lying to her teammates was one thing but Hannah seemed to be a whole different thing. “Not important”, was her first answer, than a little bit more quiet, “I tell you later”.

She probably wouldn’t, Josh thought, but it was alright for the moment.

Josh turned back to Chris, who looked thoughtfully at Sam and then to him.

“It was you, wasn’t it?” Chris’ voice was so low that Josh barely heard him. He turned to him with the best fake confusion he could make. He raised an eyebrow.

“You were the one in the cabin”, Chris added, “you’re sleeping with Sam”.

There wasn’t really a question to answer. Josh opened his mouth for an answer, but didn’t know what to say. He took another sip from the cup.

“Yes”, he finally said. It felt strange to admit it. So strange he didn’t even wanted to look at Chris’ face. Luckily he didn’t have to, because Beth had appeared again a fire whiskey bottle in hand.

“Here you go, brother”, she said loud enough for anyone to hear. Some heads turned to her interested. She turned to the room.

“Listen everybody, my brother yesterday had made a bet, that Gryffindor would win three times higher than Ravenclaw”, everyone started laughing. Josh grinned back at them. He put his drink away and crossed his arm, “so now he has to try and drink the whole fire whiskey bottle in one go”, she turned towards him, “Josh”, she made a comical bow, “the stage is yours” and with that she gave him the fire whisky bottle and stood to the side. Mike, who of course couldn’t miss an opportunity where Josh embarrassed himself and stood on the other side waiting.

“Just so you know”, Josh announced, “I’m doing this, because you were too weak”, he pointed at the Gryffindor team which roared at that.

Josh sighed and put the whisky bottle to his lips.

Matt stopped him. “Wait, wait, wait”, he yelled, camera in hand, “let’s make a photo of this”.

Everyone laughed in agreement. Josh sighed.

“Seriously Matt, do you really have to photograph my most embarrassing moments”.

Matt nodded while adjusting his camera.

“I’m ready”, he said. Josh pressed the whisky bottle against his lips.

Before he started he waited a moment, taking a look at everyone in the room. The faces were full of anticipation. Sam behind Matt smiled with raised eyebrows.

That was his sign. Josh raised the whisky bottle and took his first gulp.

He managed to swallow four times then the fire came out of his ears, nose and mouth.

Everyone laughed and clapped. Hannah was kind enough to give him a glass of water. Josh swallowed it gratefully. The whole world had gotten very dizzy.

After everything had calmed down around him, he returned to Chris.

He had almost forgotten what happened but Chris’ stern face reminded him.

Chris nodded at the floor outside and Josh followed him slightly confused.

“You’re sleeping with Sam?”, was the only thing he managed to press out. Josh blinked at him.

“Yeah?”, with fire whisky in his system it was easier to admit. Chris looked as if his whole world was falling onto his head.

“Why do you act so surprised? I thought you figured it out yourself”.

Chris was searching for the right words. “Yeah”, he finally said, “but I didn’t think I was right. How long?”

Josh crooked his head. “Bro”, he tried to calm his friend.

“How long?”, Chris pressed.

Josh thought about it. His mind on alcohol was slightly slower than usual.

“Six weeks after the school year has started”.

That shocked Chris more than Josh would’ve thought.

Chris collected his thoughts. He finally had found some chill.

“And what are you?”, he asked.

That was probably the most awful question, he could’ve asked. Josh didn’t know. He was in love to some sort. Sam was… Sam.

“It’s a ‘thing’”, he finally said.

“A ‘thing’? What kind of thing?”

Josh sighed. “Bro, I don’t know, a ‘thing’, a cool casual ‘thing’”.

Chris groaned. “A casual thing”, he seemed disappointed and sorry for Josh at the same time.

“It’s alright, bro”, Josh said, he turned back towards the Hufflepuff common room. “Really it is alright”. And with that he left Chris alone and joined Hannah and Ashley, who had started to dance.

 

He was too drunk that night for sex, but he and Sam still sneaked up into the astronomy tower and made out. They even fell asleep arm in arm and woke up in the early morning.

Josh liked that even better than anything else. He wished for a bed in which he could just sleep next to her, pull her closer, let her hair tickle his nose. This whole ‘thing’ clearly had started to get somehow serious.

Chris stayed silent after that, although his side eye got harder.

The others found out the day after he had found out that he had passed all of his exams.

He had come to the great hall a little bit early, so that he could talk to Sam alone.

She was waiting at their spot, when she saw his smile, she knew.

“I passed”, he exclaimed.

“You did”, Sam laughed and hugged him. “Proud of you. What did I say? All the studying was worth it!” Josh smiled and raised his arm for a high five which she took.

Her smile was so bright that Josh wasn’t sure if she was in fact even more prouder of his accomplishment than he was.

After the high five she moved closer and got onto her tiptoes to kiss him.

That was a little bit unusual, mostly they kissed only behind closed doors, but Josh didn’t mind. He grinned and pulled her closer, trying to savour the moment. As soon as he would be out of Hogwarts there was no way, that they could meet and the ‘thing’ would be over, tragically. 

The sound of a camera made them stop. Both turned to the source of the noise.

Matt lowered his camera and grinned.

“I knew it”, he exclaimed, although he had not realized it for almost a year. He laughed and made a gotcha hand movement.

Josh sighed dramatically and let go of Sam, who seemed far more amused by the situation than Josh had expected. Her hand stayed at his back as she looked at Matt.

“Did you have to make a picture of it though?”, he asked, “could you’ve not simply tell everyone and leave us be?”

Somehow Sam next to him was still smiling.

“Nah dude, they wouldn’t have believed me. This”, he pointed at his camera, “is evidence”.

Suddenly Josh had the urge to kick the camera. Sam stopped this thoughts, by pulling him closer so that their hips touched.

“Can I have a copy?”, she asked still slightly amused.

“Sure”, Matt said. He looked between them. “And what are you, if I may ask?”

The dreaded question! What was this ‘thing’? Josh stared at Sam, he would leave the answering to her so that he wouldn’t make a fool of himself. Sam looked at him. Josh wasn’t sure if she was trying to communicate something, if so he didn’t get it. His heart was beating very fast in his chest. He savoured that too, because it would probably break, when she said that they were just friends.

“Well”, Sam finally grinned, “not so secret lovers anymore, I guess”.

In a plot twist Josh’s heart didn’t stop beating it was actually beating faster, so fast that it might still stop anyway, but it beat and a probably very confused smile appeared on his face. He wanted to pull Sam up and grin at her.

Matt nodded.

“Nice”, he said. 

Josh nodded. It was.

He grinned at Sam, who was raising an eyebrow at him, probably because his smile was so big that it actually had gone passed his ears.

Josh had never felt light hearted, but now he felts so light hearted that he actually believed that if he would let go of Sam he would ascend into the sky. It was actually the only time he felt this way. Matt went into the great hall and Josh didn’t even notice. He wasn’t sure if he could stop smiling today. So for Sam the ‘thing’ had been lovers. Josh couldn’t believe his luck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'll never know that to say in the end, but it's not important anyway.  
> I hope you have a great day. leave a comment, yell at me, I kind of need the validation.


	4. Hold Your Darkness Close

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amar is a sunshine, Josh is bad at lying and an old friend visits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the chapter after a big ass chapter is always strange, mostly because you in the end don't have the feeling that you're done.  
> this chapter itself is weird. i don't really know what happened, but something clearly did.
> 
> this is a lot darker and alludes to josh's time as an active Death Eater, so death and pain.
> 
> hp character appearance  
> Rodolphus Lestrange

Although Josh had made a promise to look into possibilities for saving the boy, he slept through most of the next day and the day after that. That pattern continued the week. Somehow living and doing stuff was hard right now. He even ignored a calling of the dark lord. His dark mark suddenly started to glow in the evening, but somehow ignoring it seemed easier than facing Voldemort. In retrospect it had not been the best idea. He kind of owned it Voldemort to show up, especially because he had been the one to finally get someone to take Josh out of Azkaban.

On the other hand Josh had only been in Azkaban because of Voldemort, so Voldemort kind of owned him. But putting this problem aside he could’ve asked around if anyone knew where Sam was. Maybe there was a way to contact her.

But after one week of barely getting out of bed, Josh accepted that he might not be in the best state to do anything and that he needed to give himself a break. He could try and think of an escape for Amar anytime.

Because he felt bad for the boy, being kept in this one room, he allowed him to visit the library once a week. He was apparently reading everything out of it anyway. The few times Josh had managed to be up Mr. Tibbs had either carried books from the library to Amar’s room or from his room back to the library.

The only rules Josh imposed were that he could only stay for four hours and that if someone would visit, it was unlikely but just in case, the boy had to be taken straight back to his room. That was it. He let Mr. Tibbs tell the boy the news. Somehow he had the feeling that the boy had grown on the elf, because Mr. Tibbs smiled brightly when Josh told him his plan.

So now once a week Amar was in the library looking through all the old books. Josh had in the beginning not planned to be there too. He had actually thought that he would sleep mostly, but somehow the idea of the boy kept him awake. He was curious to find out more about him and thus curiosity gave him the energy to get up and stay in the library.

There he would sit a book in hand, which he never read but used as a cover, watching the boy like some weird estranged uncle, which he in some sense he kind of was, or could’ve been.

What he gathered from his observations was that Amar was a freaking nerd. He was someone who smiled at rare books with difficult topics and when he found a book about ancient arabic spells he squealed. It was endearing to see the boy roaming through the shelfs. There was something entirely innocent about how his eyes lit up, when ever he found something knew.

Josh had to hide a lot of his smiles.

When it came to him the boy mostly tried to ignore Josh, or give him a slightly raised eyebrow. In front of him he tried to keep his cool facade, although both knew that it had already started to crumble.

 

Amar started to talk a two weeks after he had first gone to the library. He mostly asked about specific books and where they came from and Josh, who was happy that the boy talked to him, tried to reply as best as he could. For example the whole section about egypt history, spells and inventions came from his grandfather and was because of it a little bit outdated. Although the big fancy ones, who were in arabic, had probably been outdated for two hundred years.

The school books were mostly from his mother and her sisters, but Amar also found one of Beth, who had the tendency to write cute remarks on the side. After Amar had started to read a few of them outloud, some of them talking about Sam, Josh took the book away from him. The boy stared confused at the book in Josh’s hand. Josh hoped that he had forgotten that Sam’s name had been used.

“Who’s book is that?”, Amar slightly confused.

“No one's”, Josh regretted the words as soon as they had left his mouth, this sounded even more suspicious.

“My sister’s”, he admitted.

Amar opened his mouth even more confused. Then he closed it again. Something was clearly preoccupying his mind. Josh dreaded it, but managed to look unfazed.

Amar didn’t ask him any further questions, but the next time in the library after searching for the book, Josh had put into his room with the other five he had found from his sister, he went straight to Josh. Josh had thought that he would ask for the book, but Amar already knew that he wouldn’t get it back.

“The girls in the paintings, across from the library”, the boy specified, “are they your sisters?”

Josh thought for a moment trying to consider if he would regret answering truthfully.

“Yeah”, he finally said. Amar looked at him with a new found concentration. It was unclear what he was thinking or where his thoughts were going.

“From which one was the book?”, he asked carefully.

Josh tried to remember how Beth had looked in the painting, they had been made when both of them had been twelve. At that point in time they had stilled looked fairly alike.

“The one without glasses and who always looks slightly ready to fight anyone”.

“Huh”, Amar was still thinking, “where are they now?”

Josh could feel how his expression darkened. Amar saw it too. The boy took a slight step back, but continued to wait for an answer.

“Gone”, Josh finally said after contemplating. He tried to show it plainly on his face that he didn’t want to talk about it and Amar got the hint and turned back around.

Next week he started with a totally different question.

“You went to school with my mom, didn’t you?”, he asked while skimming through the old books about egyptian history. He couldn’t of course read them, but it didn’t stop him from looking at the drawings and pictures on the side. Josh looked up from his book. Amar was sitting on the rug in the middle of the room. The big book opened in front of him. His eyes were on the pictures, but he was clearly waiting for a response.

“I don’t know”, Josh finally said. He should’ve prepared for questions like this, but it was hard to guess them. It was hard to guess what Amar was thinking and also what he already knew. Somehow this insecurity gave Josh the feeling that the boy might be onto something, whatever that something was. “Why are you asking?”

The boy flipped a page and looked at the next picture.

“Because your sister is talking about a Sam”, he explained.

Well, that was direct. Josh still believed that Amar was a Gryffindor.

“Beth was younger than me”, Josh said.

“Beth?”, the boy suddenly looked up.

Josh cursed himself silently. “Yeah, that was her name”, he said slightly annoyed that he had sipped information that easily.

“Was”, the boy repeated. Maybe Josh just shouldn’t talk at all. It was impressive that he had managed to lie to Voldemort especially with this whole ‘reading thought’ thing going on. “What was the name of the other one?”

Josh sighed, after all that he had said, this piece of information wasn’t important to keep anymore.

“Hannah”, he stated. The boy mouthed the name and frowned then he looked back to the book.

“How much younger than you were they?”, he asked.

“Quite a few years”, Josh lied. He could see the boy’s mind working. He wondered what the puzzle was trying to solve, had Sam ever talked about him, about Beth and Hannah, had she explained that her first boyfriend had turned out to be Death Eater, “but seriously I don’t think Beth was talking about your Sam”.

“Maybe”, the boy said, “but she was also talking about a Mike”.

Josh froze. He couldn’t hide his slight shock, of course he had forgotten.

“That’s also a very common name”, Josh added.

“In which Hogwarts house were your sisters?”, he asked.

Josh dropped the books. “It’s none of your business”.

The boy looked startled for a moment and then turned his attention back to the book. It was quiet for some time. Josh hoped it was over, but then the boy closed his book.

Josh looked at him, but it was impossible to read the younger one’s face. He looked just like Sam, before she was ready to strike.

To calm himself Josh’s eyes wandered to the book in his hands and he tried to read it for the very first time, but it turned to be nearly impossible. The letters seemed to move while he tried to read them and it was hard to focus.

“But you do know my mother”, Amar finally stated after a long while.

Josh looked up confused. The boy was still sitting on the floor, but his whole body was now facing him. He looked strangely serious. Josh furrowed his brows.

“What do you mean?”, he asked carefully.

The boy stood up. Josh had the feeling that he tried to look dangerous and imposing, just like Sam, but the boy didn’t have her hardness, neither was Josh a seventeen year old boy with a crush anymore.

“You remember capturing her”, Amar said. His tone was slightly angry.

“You remember torturing her”, he slowly walked to Josh. Although he tried to, Josh wasn’t scared, not even startled, just curious.

“You remember that she escaped”, the boy finished almost proud.

He was standing now so close that Josh could see every freckle on his nose.

Josh knew about what the boy was talking. It was rather hard to forget, but he wondered.

“Did she tell you that?” The question made the boy lose some of his tension.

He sighed. “Not all of it”, he said, “but enough”. It was kind of endearing to see that Amar was trying to protect his mother even after sixteen, or where it seventeen years. Everything was a blur in his head. But Josh had expected nothing more from the son of Sam.

He had learned it probably from her, which was a good thing, standing up for himself had never been Josh’s forte and although he hid it better also not Mike’s.

But the boy was there standing, making himself bigger than he actually was by probably just a few centimeters, ready to probably fight Josh physically in the library.

Josh shook his head, signalling the boy to let it go. 

“What did she tell you?”, Josh asked curious.

Amar’s face got even more defensive. “Why do you care?”

They were still looking at each other, both to stubborn to break the eye contact as if the one who looked away would be the one to lose.

“Because I want to know what she said about the events”.

Amar’s brows furrowed slightly.

“Why?”, he asked.

Josh was trying to come up with a good answer, when Mimi and Mr. Tibbs suddenly appeared next to them. Their anxious faces couldn’t mean anything good.

Mimi was tugging Amar’s arm. The boy looked confused.

Josh turned to Mr. Tibbs, what’s going on.

“There’s someone in lobby”, Mr. Tibbs said. He sounded frightened.

His big brown eyes were pinned on Josh.

“You better go”, he said after Josh still had not moved. Amar was still irritated but didn’t get a chance to say anything else, because Mimi had already disappeared with him.

Josh nodded at Mr. Tibbs and started to move.

The whole mansion felt strangely large as he walked. It felt as if he needed a million steps to get to the stairs and then a million steps till he was finally on the first floor.

Somehow while he walked Josh realized that this was a sign of fear. That his mind was trying to slip away.

When he came to the lobby he understood why. Rodolphus Lestrange was standing at the window looking outside.

Josh stopped at the doorway. A big part inside of him just wanted to turn around and leave, get back into his room and act as if Rodolphus wasn’t there, but this had never worked. So he just stood there and made himself ready.

He looked at Rodolphus’ profile and tried to find the wrinkles that Azkaban had created on his face. His skin had become even more yellowish. It was still as thick as was he in a whole. A big scary man with longish grey hair, with a scary blank scare that could mean anything, that was unreadable and potentially dangerous. Josh’s heart started to beat faster the room after having expanded snapped back together and became so small. Josh believed that he could feel Rodolphus’ presence, that he could feel the man’s heat on his skin.

He wasn’t ready he thought, he probably never would be.

As if Rodolphus could sense his fear, he turned around to face Josh. His eyes widened and his small mouth showed some bad teeth.

“Joshua”, he exclaimed as if they were friends that had not seen each other in a long while and was he wrong? Somewhere in the history books Josh’s name stood right next to Rodolphus forever connected through death and torture. But that didn’t change the fact that Josh was terrified of him.

“It’s great to finally see you again”, Rodolphus said and patted him on the back.

Josh tried to smile, but when ever Rodolphus’ hand connected with his shoulder it felt like burning. “You didn’t show up to any of the meetings. I was very sad”.

That of course he had not been. Rodolphus could not feel emotions like sadness, only disappointment that turned into anger.

“Yeah”, Josh replied scratching his neck, “been busy”, was the best reply he could come up with, “what brings you here, Rodolphus?”

* * *

 

Josh always had a problem expressing himself. The words just wouldn’t get out right. Sometimes they were too strong, sometimes they were too weak.

His friends had tried to learn it back then, that not everything he said needed to be taken serious and that everything he said he also meant. It was a fucked up structure, a labyrinth that people needed to crawl through, but they did. Chris did it by laughing and learning his code slowly. Ashley did it by wiggling through the cracks and missing every fake punch and Sam, Sam just ran straight towards him, without caring if she might get hurt.

The Death Eaters never learned, Voldemort never learned, because they also spoke in a language where truth did not really exists and everything was seen in extremes. Josh learned their code, but they never understood his and it was okay. In some way it meant that he could keep a part of himself.

But there was one thing Josh could describe in all languages, could express without thinking about it much. Death wasn’t just a word, or a cruel end. It was so much, a destination, a warning, a strange sudden emptiness in people’s eyes.

He could describe it for everyone. For the Death Eaters, death is a threat and potential and a tattoo on your skin.

For his sisters, death is the end, unfair and cruel and sudden, but it’s over then, it’s over.

He even if he wanted to could’ve described it to Amar: Death is your father floating through the air. He was a big man, but in his death he looked more like a young boy not read to fully leave. Josh had never realized that Mike was just as vulnerable as him. In school his envy had kept him from growing any strong sympathies for Mike and Mike had strengthened this, by holding his chin up high and treating everything with an ease. But in his death Josh had seen it, had seen that Mike was also just a boy, with his arms outstretched and a women with a death threat on her arm laughed at him.

Death for Sam: your son in my hands, although you clearly have tried to stop this, you clearly did. I’m sorry.

For Josh death looked different every day. On one day it was an endless sleep. A big glowing sign showing him where home was. It was peace. It was final silence.

On other days it was cold like the dementors and had pale arms just like Voldemort and it was Rodolphus’ grip and his face. It was fear itself and painful, all so painful.

Josh wasn’t sure how he managed to get Rodolphus out of the house and into the small wizard bar a few villages away, but he did. The bartender gave them a curious look, but gave Josh a pint. The bar had been the one that his father had visited, Josh could remember walking through the chairs to get another knut for a soda. The chairs had been bigger back then and the bar had been in the hands of a nice old woman. Josh wondered if the bartender was her son.

Rodolphus ordered butterbeer, which Josh had to pay. They both settled and Rodolphus started to talk about the good old days.

“You should cut your hair, Joshua”, he said, “you look like you live alone in the woods in some cottage”.

This was not far away from the truth. Josh took a sip of the beer. It had been a while since he had tasted butterbeer or alcohol at that. Somehow Azkaban had made him forget about alcohol and its effect on him, but he remembered now and quickly ordered a fire whisky to calm his mind. Rodolphus watched this curiously and laughed.

“It’s a little bit early to get this drunk”, he scolded Josh.

Josh ignored it and took his shot. He could feel the alcohol hitting him instantly. His stomach was still in nods and he was afraid, but it made it all so much bearable.

“How’s your wife?”, he asked trying to find something about which they could talk. Rodolphus shrugged his shoulders. There had never been much love between Rodolphus and Bellatrix. Josh still wondered how they married, when it was so clear that Bellatrix would’ve laid bare for Voldemort all the fucking time, but it was probably a pure blood thing. His father had probably wanted him to do the same. Josh remembered how happy he had been, when he had started to flirt with this other Dead Eater girl, Josh could not remember, it didn’t matter anyway. They fucked but she had died before his father could even tell him to put a ring on it.

“She stays with her sister”, he explained. Josh remembered Narcissa Malfoy and her husband. He took another sip, desperate to get another shot of fire whisky again. The effect of the first shot was gone and he could feel the fear crawling in and nesting in his heart. Just butterbeer would not be enough to make him really drunk.

Rodolphus was still watching him curiously. Josh wondered if he could see the fear and the lies. Had he not already read his mind?

Years before this on their first meeting Josh remembered how he had been afraid. Voldemort’s smile and Rodolphus had been burned into his head. Somehow he had been convinced that they could smell his fear, back then that they could read his mind, but his father had also taken away his potions back then. He wasn’t sure if that had something to do with it.

Josh still remembered shaking his hand, somehow he was still convinced that his skin had turned grey at that point, that some part had officially died and now this moment was in the history book forever and people probably thought it was the happiest moment of his life.

But it was alright Josh guessed, History was not about truth in the end, but facts and these were very different things.

“You’re still not a good listener”, Rodolphus said.

Josh looked up from his butterbeer confused, but he realized as soon as he saw Rodolphus’ face that he had missed something important.

He shrugged his shoulders slightly. “Sorry, Azkaban is still kind of in my head”.

Rodolphus’ face got sullen. “It’s in all our heads, kid and believe me it will never go away”.

Just like you. Josh bit his lips and took another sip, if he would continue to drink like this, he wouldn’t last for an hour, he realized. He was skinny and not used to it anymore. He would be out.

Good. He took another sip.

“The Dark Lord’s disappointed in you”, he started again. Josh looked at the bartender hoping that he could read the desperate wish for another fire whisky of his eyes.

“I know the years have been rough on you and you have proven yourself to Voldemort before, but his fight is not over and he needs your expertise”.

The bartender couldn’t read Josh’s eyes. So Josh downed the last bit of his butterbeer and got a new one.

This didn’t seem to bother Rodolphus at all. He ordered at that point also another butterbeer.

“He got you out of Azkaban, he made the effort, although you really didn’t want to leave”. Rodolphus laughed. “I remembered when we fled. Believe me we wouldn’t have gone without you, but you were just lying on the floor, mumbling stuff. We screamed, but you just wouldn’t listen. Told us to go to hell”. Rodolphus’ laugh got louder. Some of the other guests turned to them. Josh looked at his new butterbeer.

“You didn’t seem to realize that we were walking away from it”, Rodolphus shook his head and took his beer. “You know how surprised the Dark Lord was, when we told him. He wanted to get you out Joshua the minute we told him. He values you, but he needs you to be there”.

Josh had managed to down half of his pint while Rodolphus talked. Still it wasn’t enough.

He realized that it might be his turn to say something, proclaim some devotion.

He nodded slightly. “I understand”.

It was too soft wasn’t it?

Rodolphus didn’t look impressed.

“It’s hard to leave Azkaban behind”, Josh added and it was the first truth he had told Rodolphus.

“Don’t you think, I know?”

Josh watched Rodolphus’ impassive face. He wasn’t so sure. He had not heard much of Bellatrix in Azkaban except of her never ending laughter. It had not gone away over the years. It just had grown louder.

“Imagine Joshua, you can make them all now pay”. Josh’s neck hair suddenly stood up. Rodolphus had a strange merry smile on his face.

“All the people that put you into Azkaban in the first place. You could come to their house and make them pay, make them back. Make them suffer and then kill’em. I think you still know how to do it. You were so good at it”, Rodolphus paused and looked at Josh. There was something unsettling about the piece that he felt. “Do you remember?”

Of course Josh did, it were the only memories that the dementors had allowed to stay. In his cell they had played on repeat. Over the years all their faces had morphed to one all their screams had turned to one. If he closed his eyes he could see all their pained faces. The ones that had survived probably woke up some night from dreams with him and he could remember their dead eyes and knew that he was their death.

The funny thing, if Josh could say so, had been that he could not remember how it felt like anymore. There had been a thrill in killing them, a sudden burst of adrenaline, but it was gone now. Somewhere locked up and he had no interest in opening it again.

He looked at Rodolphus, who smiled at him. Josh realized that the best thing would be to smile back. So he did and afterwards as a treat he turned towards the bartender and order a fire whisky.

“Make it two”, Rodolphus added. Josh raised his eyebrows in surprise.

When the shots came Rodolphus raised his.

“To the Dark Lord”, he said.

Josh mumbled the reprise. They both downed their shots. The second time didn’t hit Josh as much as the first, which was disappointing, but the alcohol still burned in his throat and that was also good. He had to caught a few times.

Rodolphus watched him amused.

“Do you remember how we killed these order members?”, he asked apparently in a strange nostalgic mood.

“Which one?”, Josh asked dully, “you have to specify”.

This addition made Rodolphus even happier.

“Michael Munroe”, he said with a grin, “remember that? Heir of the Munroe clan, gone with just a twitch of the wand”.

Josh looked up from his empty shot glass

“I wasn’t there when that happened”.

Rodolphus furrowed his eyebrows. “You were not?”

Josh shook his head. He had actually avoided coming. Some part of him had been terribly scared of that confrontation. He had waited till he heard the victory laugh of Bellatrix and by then he had known that Mike hadn’t made it. Till this day his dead body had been surreal to him.

But now that he thought of it he wondered, had Mike known of Amar? Had he died knowing that he would leave a son behind?

The past was a strange thing, permanent unchangeable. So many ‘what if’s and yet Josh began to wonder, what would’ve happened if Josh would’ve been there that day. Maybe Mike would still be alive. Maybe he would now sit together with his son and his wife.

And wouldn’t that be a fair way of history?

If Mike could look at what was going on from above, he was probably horrified and Josh got that, but Mike didn’t need to worry.

Josh had millions of definitions of death, but he currently knew only one for life and that was Amar roaming through his bookshelves. His bright eyes beaming at every book he could find, making jokes at Josh’s expanse, somehow turning Josh into the weird uncle he was born to be.

“I came later”, he finally said.

Rodolphus’ face cleared up.

“Right, I forgot”.

 

They drank another four butterbeer after that and another fire whisky.

When Josh got up, he remembered that sometimes you only realized how drunk you are after you got up.

He still managed to walk in a straight line. At least in his mind but Rodolphus was still compelled to bring him back home. Josh hoped, that he wouldn’t stay to tug him in.

While they were on their way back, Rodolphus started to talk about Voldemort’s plans again, which couldn’t have been more boring.

Josh watched the sunset instead and thought of plans to get Amar far away from here. There was clearly someone he could contact, wasn’t there? Did order members abduct Death Eaters too or was this a Death Eater thing? Josh didn’t know, but also how could he be obvious enough to get abducted by one and where should Amar stay while he was held captive and tried to explain that he was only there so they could get Sam’s son?

When they finally arrived at the mansion, Josh managed to smile genuinely for the first time in hours. Soon he would be in his bed and tucked away and then he wouldn’t have to think about everything for hours. It would be perfect.

That Rodolphus smiled too should’ve been a warning sign, but in his defense he had been drunk. Josh realized that something was wrong, when he noticed that the door to the mansion was open. He could hear people screaming. He turned to Rodolphus who was still smiling.

Josh was too drunk to hide his fear now. He just started to run to the door.

Running was hard while being drunk, he remembered. The whole world shook and was blurry.

The light in the lobby irritated him. It kind of burned into his vision. The first thing he could conceptualize was Mimi standing in the lobby, crying, next to her stood Mr. Tibbs, who held his bleeding arm. They turned towards him and their faces got even sadder. Mimi grabbed his gown not sure where else to hold onto and sobbed.

His vision got less blurry and Josh realized that they were not the ones, who were screaming.

His head looked up to the stairs to the second floor and with horror he realized who was screaming.

He really wanted to run, he really wanted to, but he didn’t need to. It felt like his realization had triggered a horrible cue.

The screaming stopped for a moment. Just heavy breathing.

“Are you going to cooperate now?”, a voice that Josh knew vaguely asked.

Josh looked up and prayed that Amar wouldn't do anything bravely stupid.

“Go fuck yourself”, the boy answered through his teeth.

The next spell wasn’t crucio. It was so quickly spoken that Josh couldn’t really figure out what it had been, but in the next minute Amar was rolling down the stairs.

When he stopped in front of them, Josh thought for a split second that he was dead, but then the boy raised his head.

Josh could feel Mimi and Mr. Tibbs wish to go to him to comfort him, but someone had already hurt them for doing so it seemed.

So Josh took a step towards him.

In his drunken state it was hard to focus on what was wrong with Amar.

There was blood dripping down his forehead and mouth. And a big slash was on his cheek.

Josh leaned down to calm the boy. It was a foolish thing to do, a dangerous thing for both of them, but the boy looked up to him and did something that probably saved both of them. Scared of the him he slipped back. The fear in Amar’s eyes hurt at first, but then the other voice demanded Josh’s attention. 

“Oh Joshua”.

He looked up. On the beginning of the stairs a man stood and he looked so vaguely familiar. The man walked down looking at the situation at hand.

“I think”, he said after some thought and Joshua realized how was standing in front of him.

Rabastan Lestrange smiled.

“That you have some explaining to do”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \+ Rabastan Lestrange
> 
> the great news is next chapter will be longer, much longer.  
> the bad news it's not getting a lot brighter.
> 
> i also feel sorry for everyone who expected a good josh/sam fanfic... i realize it's far more josh trying to survive.  
> sighs. i'm also currently trying to do something for [jossamweek](http://chrstianslater.tumblr.com/post/147230975289) so i might take my time.


	5. Halfway There

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First part of how Josh's life turned into a living hell. Also including underwear, dick jokes and the power of fucked up families.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, i lied. this chapter is not going to be THAT big (mostly because I cut it in half, it was getting ridiculously long and depressing)  
> so here's only the first part of how everything went to shit. it's a flash back chapter, yet again.  
> because i cut it in half there will be one more chapter, so it's technically not really 'Halfway There' but it's not the only reason i chose this title.
> 
> this chapter is a lot lighter than i thought it would be, but it includes a lot of domestic abuse and the Death Eaters are featured heavily.  
> Lucius Malfoy and his friends will reappear.
> 
> i didn't have the energy to correct everything, so let's just hope for the best.

Everything.  _ Everything _ went to shit after Josh left Hogwarts. The summer still had been nice with Hannah and Beth around. Most of the time they hadn’t been home. Josh had stayed at Chris’ place and then at Sam’s for a while. Somehow it had been slightly weird, because Sam was living in a small muggle village close to London, with no wizard near them. Ms. Hopkins, Sam’s mother was just like her daughter strong and smart. Josh could totally see where Sam had gotten it from.

To his surprise she actually liked Josh, which was a new experience. She joked with him and also introduced him to the muggle neighbors as her ‘son-in-law’.

Somehow he wished that he could’ve stayed there. He would’ve helped Ms. Hopkins with the garden and the house and would’ve waited for Sam to come back over from Hogwarts.

It would’ve clearly been better than going home.

There was something about this dark mansion with too many rooms, that made him spiral into a depression. Somehow life just didn’t seem worth while in there. His father as usual wasn’t any help. He just got angry, when Josh didn’t manage to get up in the morning. He tried to forbid Mr. Tibbs from bringing food to the bed, so that Josh would have a motivation for coming to the breakfast table. Mr. Tibbs did it anyway, although he didn’t have to Josh barely ate anything, having lost his appetite.

So this was the way Josh lived, mostly in his room, only the letters of friends shone some light onto him. Of course he didn’t have the energy to answer them, but somehow that made at least Sam write even more frequent.

To make everything worse things seemed to have changed in the Washington household, more people were coming over to visit. Josh never saw them, but he heard voices in the corridors and his father fake laughing.

Of course Josh didn’t know who really was coming, but looking at his father he could guess.

Bob Washington never had been very open about his political views. Like all polite people, who didn’t want to anger the people he was around, he had mostly changed subject, when something along the line of muggles and muggle born came up.

In fact Josh couldn’t remember a time in his life were Bob had talked badly about muggle borns or muggles. Yet Beth, Hannah and Josh had decided to not tell him where Sam came from or that Chris’ mom was in fact a muggle. In  his father’s mind Josh had been at Chris’ place the whole summer. He wasn’t aware that he and Sam were a thing and Josh wanted to keep it that way. Just to be save, not because he thought that his father believed in the whole muggleborn inferior bullshit, but because his father would always side with the people who had the most power in the wizard world and sadly, these were the asshole ones.

So while Josh was having a crisis his father was busy making friends with the people, that weren’t for Voldemort, but also not against him. The classy upperclass rich wizards that had ignored the Washington family since they had returned from Egypt all these years ago.

Josh didn’t know why they suddenly had started to visit them and he wasn’t going to find out, after all he wouldn’t leave the room, but it probably had something to do with Voldemort and the recent deaths of other muggles. It had gotten worse, apparently and now as Chris jokingly wrote Sam was getting less and less peaceful every day.

_ ‘She’s probably planning something, bro. I don’t know the way she writes her letters it feels like she’s going to join the order in no time. Matt and Mike will probably join her without hesitation. I bet Emily is already part of it.’ _

Although the subject matter had hit Josh hard, he had smiled at Chris’ words. The part about Emily sounded realistic, if he would’ve had the energy he would’ve wrote her a teasing letter asking her about it, but he used his energy on a letter to Sam, which was a little bit more important. Teasingly he asked her what she was planning. Her reply was short and full of mud. It looked like Sam had written it somewhere near the quidditch field. She addressed his question five paragraphs in.

_ ‘What has Chris told you? I’m currently in my last year, trying to pass all my exams and also practice quidditch under Mike’s command. If this is over I just want to get far away from everything, the magical world is starting to scare me’ _

Leaving sounded like a great Idea. Josh wrote back:

_ ‘It was actually Ashley who told me everything. Don’t blame Chris. I still don’t understand why you’re not the team captain. It just makes more sense all in all. Can you not push Mike down some stairs and take over? _

_ Your idea for after school sounds interesting want me to join ;)?’ _

In his PS he asked her yet again jokingly what she was wearing.

She answered him in the same night, Josh was impressed by the school owls.

_ ‘Ashley has not written you a letter in four weeks. Mostly because you didn’t reply to her last one and everyone else has given up months ago, so don’t play me. _ _  
_ _ Mike is a good chaser and a good person, he’s just a terrible captain, but we need him to win. But he has no idea how to catch a snitch. (Ignore me I’m bitter the last practice was hard and it’s getting colder every day) _

_ If you want to, you’re more than welcome.’ _

She even answered to his PS with a simple winky face, which was scandalous at least for her.   
Josh reread that letter that night, while he couldn’t sleep and ripped out the last part putting it under his cution as if it was some charm to keep away the bad dreams that were coming.

The idea of leaving this place had never really entered his mind, even when Chris had offered him to stay at his small flat in London, while he was off working, he had always thought of ending back in this old house. Somehow with all his mental problems and need of potions he had never thought of a future without his parents. Especially now when he needed them more than ever and his father had already lowered the dosage he got.

He closed his eyes and thought of beaches and all the different countries he and Sam could go to, away from all the bullshit from Death Eaters, from Voldemort, just free.

Somehow this thought gave him if only for one night more pleasant dreams.

The next day most of the energy was gone, but the letter remained.

When Mr. Tibbs came around, he asked what day it was. Apparently it was the end of November, which scared Josh slightly he had thought that it was maybe October.

But the end of November was even more perfect, because it meant that he had to wait for Sam even less. Although he had to get in shape before she was out of school, he had to. She could not drag him along.

He answered her letter a day later, slightly inappropriate and sarcastically, because it was hard for him to convey any serious emotions, but he was sure that she would get it.

A week later before the guests came in, he managed to talk to his father, who was more than surprised to see him outside of his room.

He was currently finishing a letter, when Josh entered his room.

His father stopped everything and just stared at him. Josh wasn’t sure if his father was happy to see him or if he was disgusted by his beard, Josh hadn’t shaved in awhile and he wasn’t sure when he had taken a proper shower.

His father regained his composure.

“You’re outside your room”, he stated the obvious.

Josh raised his arms and tried to find a way to use that opener. He couldn’t find something funny to say except maybe D’uh and that would’ve been condensing and not helpful, so he didn’t.

“We need to… like talk”, he managed to say.

His father didn’t seem to realize the graveness in Josh’s statement and turned his head back to his letter.

“Then speak”, he said while scribbling down something onto his pergament.

Josh wasn’t sure if this was making it easier for him or harder. Somehow the disinterest of his father hurt, but that he looked at the letter and not at Josh was actually quite calming.

“I need stronger potions”, he finally said looking down on the floor.

That of course got the attention of his father. Not in a positive way, from the corner of his eye Josh could spot the disappointment and anger in his father’s face.

Yet Josh licked his lips.

“You know I need it… You don’t want me in my room all the time and it’s not like I want myself there either”.

Every word got harder and more complicated while Josh tried to say it, but he had to get it out, before his father could say anything and shut Josh off once again.

His father still looked displeased, but he seemed to think about what Josh said, at least he didn’t say anything against him or sighed or said ‘Joshua’ as if he was the biggest burden his father had.

“It’s easy, you want me to go out of the house and do stuff with my life. I need the potions to do so. With this we both get what we want”.

His father finally dropped his quill.

“And you promise that you will be more sociable and not live in your room the whole time?”

Josh breathed in hard. “Yeah”, he said still not sure if he could actually really do that, but if that was what it would take he probably had to, “I promise”.

His father seemed to scan his face for a lie, but couldn’t find one.

He looked back to the letter.

“Okay”, he said, “I will try and get them within a week”.

Josh opened his mouth in surprise. That was easier than Josh had thought of it. In his mind he had gone through some scenarios before they would hopefully get to this point, but now he was already there.

He smiled although he wasn’t sure if he was allowed too.

“Thanks”, he mumbled and retrieved back, out of the room.

“Oh and Josh”, Josh turned his head to his father, “shave”.

He blinked for a moment and then nodded.

On his way down the hallway Josh had to refrain from jumping and laughing in delight.

He could already see Sam and himself walking down a street somewhere in Italy, talking in hushed voices as Josh pointed out every building that reminded him of a penis. It was so close, he just had to survive the rest of this year and half of the next year and then everything would get better.

* * *

 

The potions really managed to help him, although it didn’t lift his mood, that had been the knowledge that he would see the whole gang over christmas again. After the celebrations at home, everyone would go to Mike and spend the rest of the holidays there.

So the only thing Josh had to survive was christmas. He dreaded that his father might’ve invited some of the other wizards and already imagined a christmas with his sister and him smiling at the most posh conceited wizards of all time.

Maybe his father had actually invited them, but they didn’t turn up on christmas morning and the family had a nice small celebration. It was a strangely peaceful celebration. Somehow everyone managed to get along with each other. In the evening they stole a few wine bottles from the cellar and drank it in Hannah’s room. All of them somehow had managed to make themselves comfortable on Hannah’s small bed. Josh and Beth put her plush toys on their laps as they drank straight out of the bottle.

“Not to start drama, but you haven’t given me any presents”, Josh said at one point, the second wine bottle was almost finished.

Hannah was half asleep her head lay on Beth’s lap next to the bunny. Beth was stroking her thoughtfully.

Beth laughed the wine had gotten finally into her head.

Josh took the wine bottle from her hands to take another sip.

“That’s not true”, she said slightly slurring the words.

Josh furrowed his brows and looked around to see if some present magically appeared.

Beth started to laugh. Hannah’s head in her lap shook slightly.

“It’s not here”, she said rolling her eyes. Josh took another sip of the wine, “we helped Sam chose some special underwear”.

That made Josh spit out the wine, he held his hand in front of his mouth. Beth watched it shaking with laughter.

“You’re joking”, Josh finally said.

Beth laughed even louder and shook her head.

“I wish I was”, she admitted, “you’re welcome by the way”.

Josh tried to determine if Beth was fucking with him. Usually when she was this drunk it was easy to determine, but not this time.

“That’s fucking creepy”, he finally said, after his conductions had not helped one bit. Beth’s grin got bigger.

“I thought we had established some sibling rules where we vowed to not get involved in the sex life of the other”.

Beth grabbed the wine bottle and drank the last bit in it.

“We also established in the sibling rules not to fuck the friends of our siblings and you kind of ignored that one. Big time”, She turned her head and grabbed the next bottle that was standing next to the bed, still not satisfied, “and it’s not like we helped her buying underwear for you, she was just searching for it in general and I, the good sister thinking of my beloved brother”, she emphasized that, “might’ve pushed her into the right direction”. She opened the bottle with her teeth, spitting the cork behind her. Hannah on her lap just made herself even smaller and continued sleeping.

“You’re very welcome”, she repeated taking a big gulp.

Josh watched her shaking his head. In his mind he was currently going through a lot of different undergarments, but he couldn’t imagine Sam wearing any of them. She was more the sports bra and panties with dots type of person, which wasn’t bad. Josh didn’t care that much. After going through some options, he accepted that he would find it out soon enough, if his sister wasn’t fucking with him that is. The possibility was still out there and looking at her she wasn’t the most reliable source right now.

With a sigh he took the wine bottle out of his sister’s hands.

She fought it, but let it happen.

“I will thank you, when I see it myself”, he answered. His eyes moved to Hannah who looked peaceful and happy, “I think we should go to sleep”.

Beth sighed but nodded. She looked at their sister with a tiny smile.

“You’re right”.

 

They didn’t stand up as early as they had wanted to the next day.

Josh had a slight hangover and the first time Beth had gotten up, she still had been drunk.

But they managed to use the floo powder during the afternoon.

Jess and Ashley were already there and made together with Mike fun of both Josh and Beth. Hannah joined them. Chris joined the group two hours later. He was very tired and started to talk about the most dramatic christmas his family had ever had.

Emily crashed his dramatic reenactment of how his grandmothers had almost started to physically fight each other.

Everyone was slightly relieved to see her. Since she and Mike had separated, things had gotten worse. From the last time Sam had talked about the topic, Josh had heard that they were not on speaking terms, but things had settled. Although Emily was a little bit icy to Jess, who in a plot twist, was now Mike’s girlfriend much to Hannah’s dismay.

Sam and Matt were the last ones to arrive. They had gone by muggle train and Matt was extremely impressed by it.

“It’s actually a lot like travelling with the Hogwarts express, just with more people”, he told the whole group. While everyone was focusing on him and his experience. Josh was trying to figure out what kind of bra Sam was wearing with little success.   
Sam only noticed and raised her eyebrows.

“Something wrong with my breast?”, she asked amused. Josh could feel Beth turn towards them. He looked up to Sam’s eyes.

“Nothing at all”. Behind him he could hear Beth snigger as could Sam, who was frowning at her. Josh tried to look as innocent as he could.

“Are you still drunk?”, she asked probably both Josh and Beth.

To avoid further embarrassment Josh just shook his head and hugged her.

They spent the rest of the day hanging out at Mike’s place. His parents were gone for the week and his sisters had left in the morning to their own families.

Everyone was busy talking about their holidays and comparing presents, which as usual turned into the most serious competition. Mike of course was the winner with a new broom, but Sam was unimpressed and told them that her mom had promised her to get a dog. Sadly no one was impressed by that. Only Chris understood the reason for owning a dog. Sam tried to explain it to Josh later, when they had gone to their room or just Sam’s room it didn’t matter.

“Hagrid has also a dog”, she ended her statement. Josh was laughing.

“Yeah, but he’s going into the forbidden forest all the time, he needs one. You on the other hand have no forest even close to you”.

“They are cute”, Sam argued.

“Get an owl, it’s more practical”.

The look Sam gave him, could’ve probably hexed a curse onto him. So he stopped his smile.

Chris had tried to scare her and Ashley today and Sam had really put a curse on him and had not broke the curse till hours later, which had resulted in a on one foot jumping Chris. She had also only broken the spell, because Chris had managed to destroy a very important Munroe family vase.

“Do you already know what kind of dog you’re going to get?”

She sat next to him and leaned her head on his shoulder. This question lifted her mood and her eyes got softer.

Originally they had just wanted to talk alone for a few minutes and then rejoin the group that was getting plastered in the living room, but as soon as they sat together alone for longer than five minutes they started to make out and making out lead to pulling of each other’s clothes.

Josh finally got to see the under garments his sister had talked about it, it was lacy and black and not as extreme as Josh had thought it would be, but it was still nice. Afterwards they continued talking till it was almost three in the morning.

He thanked his sister the next morning over the breakfast.

She just grinned. “This is going into my maid of honour speech”, she proclaimed proudly.

Josh wasn’t sure what was more scary, the fact that Beth was already imagining his wedding with Sam, an event Josh had thought little about or the fact that Beth was seeing herself as the maid of honour and not Hannah or for Josh Chris, who were far more likely candidates, not that Josh had ever thought about it.

The next days turned out to be the best in a long time. Josh felt like a completely different person. The potions weren’t there to make him happy, they mostly just gave him energy to do stuff, but his friends, oh his friends made him really happy. It was such a strange experience Josh wondered if the boy that had locked himself up in his room and he were the same person.

He managed to get Chris and himself so drunk that they passed out, which let to a penis on both their foreheads, word was still out who had done it, probably Ashley.

Jess and Mike established themselves as the next main couple. This had already happened when Mike and Emily had come together, but now Josh clearly knew too much about Mike’s sex life than he wanted to.

One evening after Jess and Mike had made out (and dry humped Josh might add) for twenty minutes before doing the polite thing and going upstairs Josh was brave enough to ask Ashley and Chris if he and Sam had been this bad.

“Well”, Chris had started, but Ashley next to him had already shaken her head.

“Nah, not even close”.

Chris didn’t seem to agree. He and Ashley seemed to have a small conversation through their eyes, before turning back to him.

“I mean, don’t get us wrong, we know more than enough and more than we want to about your sex life”

“True”, Ashley added.

“Like I never thought that you would be so into marking your territory”.

Irritated Josh furrowed his brows. “What?”

Chris sighed. “The hickeys? They were all over Sam. I mean, I remember when Emily had them and Mike turned it into the ‘look who I have claimed’ act, but you were somehow even worse”.

This was that sort of miscommunication that could break friendships. Josh was glad that Chris had brought it up, although also slightly terrified. He stared at Chris trying to find the right words.

“Dude, that has nothing to do with claiming. I just like the taste of her flesh in my mouth”.

Somehow this sentence had sounded better in his head.

Ashley and Chris looked at him slightly disturbed. Chris seemed already done with the world.

“That didn’t make it any better”.

Chris shook his head. “Not a little bit”. Next to him Ashley had started to giggle.

“Everything alright?”, Sam had finally joined them a glass of juice in her hand, because as per usual she was trying to the responsible one. She looked at them trying to find a place on the sofa. Automatically Josh moved to the side to give her space.

“Nothing”, Chris said rubbing his eyes.

“Josh just said that he likes the taste of your flesh in his mouth”, of course Ashley had to be a little shit about it.

Sam didn’t seem surprised. She just raised her eyebrows at Josh and then turned to Ashley.

“You don’t find that disturbing at all?”, Chris asked.

A grin appeared on Sam’s lips. “Nope. To be honest I like the taste of his flesh in my mouth too”.

Sam was so proud of her line that her voice got slightly up, but it still was a good one.

Ashley fell back onto the couch holding her stomach while laughing.

Josh nodded in approval and raised his hand for a high five, which Sam took.

“Nice one”, he admitted.

Chris got up looking more done than ever.

“That’s it”, he concluded. Ashley was still laughing. “We know each other way too long”.

“I can’t believe you tapped into something so obvious, bro”, Josh said. He had put his arm around Sam.

“I have not tapped into it”, Chris said almost affronted. He turned his gaze towards Ashley and pointed at her. “That was her”.

Ashley was still not done laughing. Chris’ reaction was probably making it worse.

Chris sighed and turned to the kitchen.

“I’m getting something to drink”, he proclaimed.

“Bring me something too”, Josh yelled after him, but wasn’t sure if Chris heard him, or would do that. Sam was still grinning in his arm.

 

That’s how most of the days went by. Most of the time they just stayed at home. Sam tried to bring Mike to fly his broom, but it ended with Sam flying his broom alone, while everyone watched in the cold as usual impressed by her.

After half of the days had passed by, Josh finally came down from his high. Dread and fear joined him again as he realized that he would return back home soon. Again, in the dark house, with a father who was sympathizing with Death Eaters or at least sympathized with people who sympathized with Death Eaters.

He still had not told his sisters or Sam about that. Somehow he didn’t want them to worry.

But he had to tell it to at least his sisters at some point. They had a right to know. Especially because they would graduate this year and come back.

He wondered if his father was already planning on marrying them off. If he had already talked to the other wizard families. On one hand he couldn’t imagine it, on the other he wasn’t sure what to think of his father anymore.

On his last day the group tried to arrange a date between Ashley and Chris, which didn’t work. They were still helpless as usual. Afterwards they drank cocoa. Their discussion got a little bit more serious than. They had tried not to talk a lot about politics but it couldn’t be avoided.

Ashley started to talk about the Death Eaters and how her whole family was scared, yet extremely prepared.

“They have started to write in code, so that no one can read their messages”.

It gotten suddenly very silent. Josh saw Hannah and Sam exchange a look that he could not pinpoint.

“I think it’s kind of pointless, because Fabian and Gideon are probably only exchanging dick jokes, but whatever”, Ashley added, probably to lighten the mood it worked. Everyone started to laugh a little at that.

“Seriously we have to do something against them”, Emily finally said and Josh had never seen her more vulnerable and yet strong at the same time, “we can not let them just go on. If we stay silent, we’re just as bad as them”.

“I thought Dumbledore’s doing something against them. Hasn’t he formed an order of some sort?”, Chris asked.

Emily sighed. “Yeah, maybe, but if you haven’t realized we’re not part of it in anyway”, Emily looked at her hands, “there must be a way to go against them, even if you’re not part of Dumbledore’s precious order”.

Everyone looked at her.

“If there’s an order”, Sam said, Josh turned his head towards her, “we still have time to be part of it. I mean, we’re still in school. I think it consists mostly out of older people. We still can be part of it. That’s all I’m saying”.

Emily crossed her arms and watched Sam.

“What I’m saying is, that it shouldn’t be just an order, the ministry of magic should speak out against it too and not condemn it most of the time”.

Matt next to her nodded. “My father talked about this, he said that currently every bad sentiment is just coming up again. People are not afraid anymore to proclaim how much they hate muggles and muggle born”.

“Where they ever?”, Sam asked bitterly.

Everyone turned towards her. Josh suddenly realized how scared Sam probably was. Hogwarts was a safe space, but what would happen to her as soon as she got out. Maybe all the talk about leaving the country wasn’t simply just for fun. But she was probably not only thinking about her, but also her mother. The Death Eaters had already attacked muggle borns and their families, it was no secret.

No one really knew how to answer this one, they all just stared at the fire place.

“When I finish this year, I will join this order”, Mike proclaimed. Jess next to him looked at him with admiring eyes. Josh tried to hide his laughter.

“We all will”, Matt said and he sounded just like the good Hufflepuff he was. Josh began to wonder with the potions he might get the energy to do something.

After Matt’s words the group dissolved. Beth wanted to go outside one more time and Chris followed her. Mike and Jess disappeared upstairs and Emily who tried to hide her jealousy got Hannah and Matt to cook something. Ashley disappeared upstairs still in thought.

In the end only Josh and Sam sat together. Sam was thinking about something. Her face was impassive and looked so much older than she was.

Josh moved towards her and hugged her slightly.

She leaned onto him and sighed.

“Just another semester and I’m done with school”. She tried to smile at that, but didn’t seem to happy. Josh nodded and kissed her hair.

She turned her head slightly to face him. She looked so serious, Josh was scared of what she was going to say next.

“I don’t know if we can really go travelling afterwards”, she said calmly, “maybe I have to stay here. I cannot leave my mom behind”. She had turned her gaze towards his chest analyzing the patterns on his gown, tracing them with her hand. “But if you still would like to join me, regardless of where I’m going. You’re invited to whatever place I can find in London and maybe when everything is over, we really can travel”.

Josh opened his mouth, but didn’t know what to say. Maybe something along the line that he would follow her to Azkaban and back if it only meant that they would be together. That it didn’t matter where she was as long as if they were together. That that was all he needed. Maybe something along that line. But he was a coward per usual.

So he nodded. “Gladly. But I can’t promise that I will be better by then”, he admitted.

She laughed. “You don’t have to be. You can sit in your room all day and when I come home I will make us something to eat”.

That sounded almost to good to be true. He started to laugh and grabbed her hands just to pull her closer.

“Sounds awesome”, he said, swallowing a comment about her vegetarian diet, because he wasn’t a douche or at least he tried.

Sam watched his face serious.

“You know, you can go to Chris whenever you like. If your parents are too much for you. You don’t have to stay there till next summer”.

Josh sighed and rolled his eyes. “It’s already, Sammy. My father allowed me to drink stronger potions. I’m fine now”, he lied.

Sam seemed to know that he did, but sighed and leaned closer.

“Just take care of yourself”, she whispered against his neck.

He pulled close and nodded, caressing her back. She had given him the most impossible task. Taking care of others was one thing, but taking care of himself was nearly impossible.

* * *

 

Returning home after such a joyful period was just as much of a downer as Josh had expected it to be. As soon as Josh entered the mansion he could feel it, as if someone had put weight back onto his shoulders. Sam’s smile and warmth somehow couldn’t enter this place.

He tried to shake it off and act unaffected. He didn’t have to stay forever, he told himself over and over again, he only had to survive this for a half a year. In his head he started counting the days till he could leave. At some point he got the idea to just create a sleep potion so strong that he would sleep through the next five months and wake up when all was over.

Sadly his father had other plans. He came up to Josh’s room and after some polite small talk told Josh that he wanted to see him today at dinner.

“You promised it?”, he reminded Josh, who had been happy to have forgotten this promise, especially because he had hoped that it didn’t apply to dinner with the assholes, but no such luck.

He nodded.

“Who’s coming this evening?”, he asked carefully to prepare himself.

His father smiled. “You’ll see”.

Josh didn’t like the tone of his voice. He also didn’t like the request and cursed himself to have made this promise. Everything inside of him screamed against going, but the fear of getting cut of his potions that he so desperately needed made him put on a nice gown instead of his t-shirt and jeans and walk down the stairs.

The guests were already there. A young man with long blonde hair, probably only a few years older than Josh greeted him. When he shook Josh’s hand with a smile Josh remembered his name. It was Lucius Malfoy. His father Abraxas Malfoy was right behind him talking to his father. Another young man, who said his name was Amycus Carrow joined Josh and Lucius.

While they talked Josh’s eyes always wandered to his bright smiling father. He asked himself if his father was aware what kind of people he had brought to the dinner table. 

The dinner itself was mostly just an exchange in pleasantries. Josh tried to be invisible, but everyone and especially his father made it hard. It was kind of impressive usually he ignored Josh or tried to downplay whatever Josh had done, but not today. From the tales of his father Josh sounded like the most accomplished young man one could imagine.

Finally Lucius Malfoy turned his full attention towards him.

“So Joshua”, apparently his nickname wasn’t fancy enough to leave Lucius’ mouth. On second thought he was happy about it. His nickname was something positive in his mind and Lucius would’ve just ruined it. Josh nodded slightly and grabbed another piece of bread, although he was already full, “Your father talking about your talents makes me wonder, if they are true. Are they?” Lucius Malfoy did not only have a very punchable face, he also had a very punchable voice somehow.

“Maybe”, he answered and could feel the anger in his father’s stare, but this answer was still better than ‘I don’t know what to do with my life. Most times I scream’.

“I was quite good in school”, Josh added so that his father was happy, “at least that’s what my teachers told me”. It had been two and McGonagall’s ‘You’re truly unbelievable’ didn’t really count, but Lucius did not have to know. Josh hoped that Lucius would leave it there, but now Amycus chimed in.

“Do you have any plans on what to do with your talents?”

There was a suggestion in his tone, Josh could hear it. Everyone could probably hear it. Everyone else probably also knew that Amycus wasn’t suggesting to marry Josh, which would’ve been the only semi okay-ish suggestion Josh could think of. But Amycus didn’t seem to swing that way or want to marry Josh. He looked at his plate.

“No clue, my dude”, he blurted out and wanted to disappear.

Amycus  continued to look at him, but the conversation moved on from there.

They left after a scotch in the parlor and Josh was thankful. He did have some trouble concentrating on what they were saying.

After they had left the smile on his father’s face disappeared and he turned with an angered expression to his son.

Josh raised an eyebrow not feeling guilty at all for the first time in front of his father.

“What do you think you’re doing?”, his father asked.

He shrugged his shoulders.

“I don’t know, what do you think you were doing?” That was a question Josh had wanted to ask him for a while now.

His father came closer. He was slightly bigger than Josh. Although he had never hit the children Josh needed all his courage to not move away and keep staring into his eyes luckily the scotch helped.

“These are very important men, Joshua. Don’t be fooled by their youth”.

He turned around and filled himself another glass of scotch, which left Josh some time to breath and calm his nerves.

“These are supporters of Voldemort”, Josh stated. There was no other way around they would have this conversation now.

His father turned around. “No, not just supports, Joshua. They are the knights of the Dark Lord”.

Josh had never heard his father call Voldemort this way. Stunned he watched his father not sure what to think of the suddenly very unfamiliar man in front of him

“They are Death Eaters”, Josh finally concluded and then the realization hit him fully, “and you want me to join them”.

His father nodded grimly.

“Yes”.

“Why?”

His father sighed disappointed. “Oh Joshua, don’t you get it?” He put an arm on Josh’s shoulder, “They have influence in the wizard world and with their help our family will be regain its strength once again”.

Josh had never wanted to run away more, but his father’s words kept him in place. This house was his prison and the doors were locked and his father’s arm was weighing him down.

“You cannot ask this of me”.

The grip on Josh’s shoulder got harder.

“You’re forgetting who you are Josh. You and your sisters all forget who they are”, his father let go of him and turned his back on him, “It’s my and your mother’s fault, but it will end now”.

Josh finally dared to breathe in.

“I’m giving you the potions not just for fun. I’m done with you sitting in your room doing nothing. This is your turn to do something for this family”.

Josh didn’t know what to say.

“Now go to bed. It’s the place you’re most of the time anyway”.

Without another word Josh turned and walked up to his room. He closed the door behind him and sighed. His hands were shaking and his breath was irregular. Hiding his face in his hand he slid down to the floor, trying to remain calm.

 

He didn’t tell Sam or his sisters about what happened. His letters towards them got more fake, but also bigger, because now he could fill them with made up stories. Strangely making up stories was easier than telling the truth. The truth seemed stale and wrong and was all in all something Josh didn’t want to have any contact with unless he had too.

Lucius Malfoy and his friends continued to show up every week. At some point Josh had met every Death Eater or so it seemed. His father demanded that Josh had to attend every gathering and play nice, which he did, but the communication between him and his father stopped completely. His mother tried to talk to Josh in favour of his father, but it made everything just worse. Late at night, when he could not sleep, he reread the letter Sam had sent him. They had gotten longer and more detailed. She was already making plans on where to live. She wanted to stay close to muggle london, was even debating on living there. The only thing that currently made her rethink was Josh, who was still amused by everything that muggles did.

He reread them til his eyes burned, til he knew them by heart. They were the only constant reminder that good things were about to come. He wouldn’t have to die in here. He just needed to survive a few more months. He just had to ignore everything and survive.

Sadly Lucius Malfoy somehow got interested in him. He invited him personally to meet them up outside of the mansion for some “fun”. In any other context Josh would’ve laughed at that obvious innuendo, but Lucius Malfoy wasn’t really the guy to understand them.

“I’m very interested to see your skills”, he said, “Goyle, Crabbe and I usually practise together. Care to join?”

Josh said yes because his father had given him a serious look. The next evening they met up. To Josh’s relief they were just trying to shoot down inanimate targets with some curses. Not as he had feared random muggles.

As it turned out he had a terrible aim, but the most force behind his spells.

Yaxley another one of Lucius’ ‘friends’ was impressed.   
Josh swallowed a comment about how that was only a sign of how nervous he was and tried to smile at their compliments. 

“I’m impressed”, Yaxley repeated again, “never thought of using this powers for something more than just hitting targets?”

Josh turned to Yaxley knowing that everyone was looking at him.

He tried to look as innocent and unaware as possible. He furrowed his brows.

“For what?”

At first no one dared to speak, then Yaxley started to laugh and soon the others joined.

Josh tried to laugh with them, not sure what exactly was funny. He would’ve hexed himself already if he were them. Yaxley couldn’t seem to stop. He looked at Josh still laughing and shook his head.

“You’re a funny fella”, he concluded after he had finally managed to calm down. Josh didn’t know what that meant in their world, but nodded. Their meetings continued like this at some point they turned their attention towards gnomes, but that was still manageable.

 

Things went really down hill the day his father came into his room to collect the potions.

He had just drank one, when his father started to collect the rest.

Josh’s eyes widened and he asked his father what he was doing.

“There have been rumors about you”, his father explained, “don’t worry you’ll get them back, but I think you won’t need them for the next weeks or so”.

That triggered so much anxiety that Josh locked himself up in his room till the evening and only came out to greet Lucius yet again, who know introduced him to even more people, calling him his friend. Josh just nodded through the whole situation, not sure why he was even out there. His father had broken the promise. He could’ve stayed in his room, but something told Josh that if he would stay in his room, he could kiss the potions goodbye. If he would really get them back in two weeks or so it wouldn’t be so bad Josh thought. The effects could still be minor.

Josh winced when Lucius leaned closer.

“There’s someone special I want you to meet, if you have time tomorrow evening”.

Josh nodded slowly. His father looked over to him with a slight smile on his face.

“Just come to the forest at sunset, we will guide you from there”.

This now really sounded like the beginning of the end. That night he didn’t sleep. He just walked around in his room, trying to calm his mind. He didn’t know what to do. He could go to Chris, but on the other hand he wasn’t sure if the problem was really this big or if Josh as usual was making it bigger than it was. Especially without the potions it was hard to grasp and how could Chris deal with him, if he wasn’t taking them?

No, he would deal with this alone. It was possible. Maybe they just wanted to hunt some animals. There were not a lot of muggle’s in the forest, Josh realized, and that really calmed him. If they wanted him to join them hunting, they would’ve met somewhere else.

If they only wanted to talk Josh could manage that.

He still asked his father the next day if he could get his potions back. It was of course hopeless but worth a try. Afterwards he went to the kitchen and got the strongest cherry Mr. Tibbs could find. He drank straight out of the bottle and only stopped when the whole world had turned slightly blurry and his hands weren't shaking anymore. Then he went to the forest.

He waited a long time in front of it. So long that he started to get worried that he had gotten the wrong location, that he got his hopes high that this was the wrong location, or that they had simply forgotten him. It was the alcohol that made Josh jump away from the hooded figures that finally appeared from the darkness of the woods, although he knew who it was behind the skeleton masks and black gowns.

Lucius was the one who greeted him.

“Here you are, my friend”.

His voice was slightly muffled through the mask, but Josh still knew it was him. He wondered if the different skeleton masks designs somehow indicated who was who, but he already knew that if there really was a pattern he could not figure it out this drunk anyway.

“Follow us”.

And so they started their journey through the woods. They didn’t follow a straight way, but the Death Eaters knew where to go. Josh was holding his wand close, afraid of what was to come. Maybe there was a summer camp in the forest. Maybe they would force him to kill muggles after all. Josh fought a panic attack while walking not sure what to do. Could he kill someone, he asked himself, or just hurt them? Suddenly he wished for more alcohol just to forget what was happening.

A part of him had started to talk to him in an attempt to calm him, whispering the same sentences all over again: _ This isn’t happening. You’re dreaming. It’s going to be alright. Only a few days more. A few days more. You’re going to survive this. _

The house appeared so suddenly between the trees, that Josh thought that it might’ve been enchanted. The Death Eaters stopped in front of the door and waited for him to take the lead.

Josh gulped down all his fear and took a step to the door. It opened without him even touching it. He walked down a dark corridor the Death Eaters followed behind him. The voice inside of him grew so loud that Josh wondered if he had started to talk to himself.

_ You’re going to be alright. Everything is fine. Everything is okay. _

The dark corridor ended in a brightly lit room. More death eaters were there, standing by the walls. They were not moving, but Josh had the feeling that they all watched him. In the middle of the room stood a man with his back to Josh. He was the only one who wasn’t wearing a hood or a mask it seemed. His hair was black and smooth on his head. Josh stopped breathing as he realized that this wasn’t just  _ a _ man.

“Joshua Washington”, Lord Voldemort said. He turned around with a smile. Lord Voldemort had a strangely young face for someone in his fifties, but it had something unsettling. As if you could feel all the magic that had made this possible behind it and there was greed too and a darkness that came from the eyes. Josh was petrified. 

He reached out his arm and it felt as if he had cast a spell drawing Josh closer.

“It’s great to finally meet you. I have heard so much about you”.

Josh couldn’t stop himself from warily searching for a way out, but every way was blocked by a Death Eater. The voice in his head had turned against him.

_ You’re going to die in here. You’re going to die and it will be all your fault. It’s over. It’s clearly over, you fool. _

“I heard of your talents, Joshua, and I want to ask you have you heard of mine?”

Josh’s mouth was dry. It was impossible to form an answer. He simply nodded.

Lord Voldemort laughed and it didn’t sound as horrifying as it should’ve. It sounded human and really amused.

“Oh don’t be shy. It’s alright”, Lord Voldemort looked around, “I know they can look scary, but you’ll get used to it”.

He turned back to Josh.

“Your father has shown great interest in our cause and I’m wondering if you too are interested”. He fiddled with his wand.

“You have the talent to become great if you only join our ranks, I’ll promise you”.

There was no way to say no, was there. Josh couldn’t simply shake his head and go home. No, he would die here, they would probably even leave his corpse outside for the animals to eat.

Suddenly the voice inside his head disappeared and all got very quiet.

Josh took a look around in the room once again, but now not in search for an exit, but to look everyone in the face. He nodded yet again, because he couldn’t speak. The alcohol wasn’t making it any easier and yet he was thankful for it, because it made everything slightly more manageable. At home he could drink so much that it felt like he was flowing.

_ It’s going to be alright, he told himself, you just have to survive a few more months. That’s it, just a few more months. _

Josh reached out his arm.

“I would gladly join your cause”, he heard someone that sounded just like him say. Someone who was stronger and more mature and who would survive this.

The smile on Lord Voldemort’s face grew wider.

“Good”, he said. Some tension had disappeared from his face. He turned around to his Death Eaters, “come here Joshua, I’d like you to meet friends of mine”.

He turned to Josh with a smile, “they will teach you what it means to become a Death Eater”.

 

Josh didn’t know how he survived the night. The alcohol had made everything into an angst ridden blurr. He didn’t know how he managed to stay calm while shaking Bellatrix Lestrange’s and her husband’s hand.

All he knew was that when they had dropped him at the mansion, he knew that he could not stay. All the pent up emotions suddenly was released, all the fear.

He didn’t even pack his things, he forgot to take a wallet, he just apparated to Chris’ door at seven in the morning and broke down there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next up: how is Josh going to save Amar and himself?
> 
> i hope you enjoy what i'm writing. i'm having a blast.


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